


wishlist

by consistently_inconsistent



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Band Fic, Boys Kissing, Choi Beomgyu Is Bad At Feelings, Choi Yeonjun & Choi Beomgyu Are Brothers, Coming of Age, Flirty Huening Kai, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Growing Up, Growing Up Together, Kinda, Light Angst, Like Lots, M/M, Making Out, Minor Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun, Minor Lee Chaeryeong/Shin Ryujin, Multi, Mutual Pining, Pining, Sexy Times, Slow Burn, So take it with a grain of salt, Sweetheart Huening Kai, Time Skips, Whipped Huening Kai, gets a lil spicy here and there but nothing too hard, like so many music references, music references, no smut tho i dont do that, really the tags tell you a lot more, soobin is barely in this bb im so sorry :(((, super duper self indulgent im sorry, the fic basically spans over a couple of years, the summary is only like barely representative of the entire fic so yeah!!!, well its just high school and college but still
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:01:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28542222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/consistently_inconsistent/pseuds/consistently_inconsistent
Summary: "Well, it's good to see all of you are in a better mood now," Chaeryeong says with a small, amused, smile on her lips, "I'm actually a little excited for the next kid," she continues, pulling out her phone and placing it in the middle of the table so the rest of them can huddle over it, "heard some exciting stuff about this one."The instagram account of one Kai Kamal Huening (or @kkheuninggie) stares back at them. It's your average high school instagram account, full of pictures with the VSCO grain filter and flash photography, except additional to all of that is that Kai Kamal Huening, or whatever his name is, is incredibly, incredibly attractive. Long black hair, pale skin, dark eyes, and strong features gaze back at them, more often than not set into a smirk of a smile, eyes heavy lidded and lips quirked to the side. It's odd because his dark brooding feed of countless late night flash selfies and dark drum kit pictures, are offset with one too many sunshiny selfies and a near obnoxious number of animal emojis. Nevertheless, the guy and his lazy smiles and heavy gaze maybe make Beomgyu's heart beat just a little faster."Woah," Jeongin whispers from next to him, "he's hot."
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Huening Kai, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 73





	wishlist

**Author's Note:**

> playlists for this fic:  
> 1) https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2E2Lxs8Kj3h6Eu9AF8qw1H?si=zYX_TzbnSRabu6SlU8qiTA  
> 2) https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1YDHf76QMwDyPUqMTB7pJW?si=oKpdQgAHQr22PIPSS6fX5A
> 
> This fic is 50% me being weak for beomkai and 50% me being an actual music nerd. Take this as a warning for weird unnecessary music terminology and a whole paragraph about Billy Joel.
> 
> also this is set in korea but i knew nothing after the korean education system and was too lazy to do any research, so the college/high school model in here is based completely off of the states :')

Beomgyu, among other things, has plans. _Big_ plans.

Plans that stretch all the way to his young adult life and then to his early thirties and eventually into his middle ages, if he's lucky.

Look, Beomgyu's a picky person, always has been. He only really likes maybe 5 things - his friends, his family, his parrot, strawberries, and music, and even here he's pushing it, he doesn't like strawberries _that_ much and his brother can be a bit of a dick when he wants to be. This is all to say that Beomgyu's entire life has been leading up to one thing and one thing only, one thing he has planned meticulously, to the extent where it may be bordering on some sort of obsessive compulsion. Beomgyu has a plan, okay? A goal. Beomgyu is going to start a motherfucking band, and it is going to be motherfucking successful. They're going to be the next Nirvana, the next Floyd, the next goddamn Beatles. 

Well, at least, that's the plan - and things are in fact going according to plan, or at least they _were._

Beomgyu's problems start with one Lee Chaeryeong.

Chaeryeong is cool as fuck. Beomgyu's known her since the 6th grade, she's tall and has these very cool catty eyes and only wears black, white with an occasional always surprising pop of pink. She's also the coldest, bluntest, most straightforward person on the planet and that's the reason Beomgyu fucking adores her. In this moment however, as she gracefully plops herself opposite him on their usual lunch table, stares him dead in the eye, and says, _"the band needs a new drummer.”_ Beomgyu thinks that perhaps he doesn't adore her all _that_ much.

 _This_ moment, this here, with Chaeryeong's blunt uttering of those 6 damming words (the band needs a new drummer, _the band needs a new drummer,_ ** _the band needs a new drummer_** ) are how the fruits of Beomgyu's labour comes crashing down around him. All his best efforts to create the best high school band he possibly could, with the best members he could possibly find, and the best chemistry between them that he could possible achieve, all gone, in 5 seconds and 6 words.

From next to him, Jeongin lets out the longest, loudest, most expressive exclamation of _"fuuuuuck"_ Beomgyu has ever heard.

He can't help but echo the sentiment.

It had all been perfect you see: Shin Ryujin on the bass, Yang Jeongin on rhythm guitar, Zhong Chenle on vocals and occasional piano, Choi Beomgyu on lead guitar, and dear, tall, strong, reliable Lee Heeseung on the drums. Dear, tall, strong, reliable Lee Heeseung, who is apparently ditching them to spend more time with his boyfriend and focus on his academics. Fuck. Beyond all of this it's their senior year, Beomgyu barely has 12 more months to plan everything out to perfect before him and the band enter college and the real world and they have to try and turn the band into a proper way for them to make some money. All in all, bad news, bad timing, Beomgyu's could cry. 

Chaeryeong, band manager and (newly) the bane of Beomgyu's existence, simply smiles and says, "so, tryouts?"

Beomgyu's going to cry.

It's all perfect you see, the balance is precarious and delicate, hanging on a knifes edge. Ryujin is the badass cool girl who you have a crush on, Jeongin is the funny, approachable nice guy who you're amused by, Chenle is the preppy rich boy with a heart of gold that you're intimidated by, Beomgyu is the charming but kinda chaotic sweetheart who makes you smile (if does say so himself), and Heeseung is the calm, level-headed heartthrob who you're comforted by. It's all perfectly balanced, Beomgyu would know, he kept that shit in mind while recruiting band members, okay? A large part of the appeal to bands is the bond between members, of course. You can't make it as a band if all you're members are all the same, or if they don't like each other very much, or if they're just not fun. The relationship is the essence of what keeps a good band going, and every successful band needs a good one, which is why Beomgyu chose the people he did. 

Anyway, Beomgyu's getting ahead of himself, given that right now his _"successful band"_ doesn't even have a fucking drummer.

"I know Heeseung was talking about how his parents wanted him to focus on his studies more," Jeongin says dejectedly, "but I didn't think he'd actually drop out of the band."

"Technically he hasn't yet," Chaeryeong says, there's an air of nonchalance around her and while Beomgyu knows full well that she too is panicking under that carefully framed mask, in that moment it really doesn't seem like it. IT's oddly comforting, just so, so, Lee Chaeryeong. "He wanted to talk to you guys during practice today before making it official, but I think it's pretty much settled, it seems like he's made his decision."

Beomgyu sighs. "Well," he says, sounding a bit like a kicked puppy, "there's not much we can do but try and persuade him to stay."

"Which is hard, given that his reasoning is perfectly valid." Chaeryeong says.

Beomgyu sighs. She's right. Beomgyu had once promised himself that if he ever felt his love or longing for music fizzle out he wouldn't force himself to continue, he couldn't be angry at Heeseung for making the same decision. He was a sweetheart after all, Beomgyu'll continue to adore the guy even if right now he's responsible for Beomgyu's bordering panic attack. 

They finalise it after school that very day. Heeseung, sweetheart that he is, is on the verge of tears as he tells them. Beomgyu, as much as he wants to scream, doesn't get angry, he is, just not at Heeseung, so he hugs the poor boy, who collapses in his arms with hiccuped sobs of _i'm sorry_. Beomgyu has never seen nearly 6ft tall Lee Heeseung look so _small._ Beomgyu tries his best to tell him that it's okay, that they'll find someone else, and that, of course they're still going to be friends. They end practice early that day on a bittersweet group hug, and maybe Beomgyu tears up a little - it's fine because so does Ryujin and Beomgyu hasn't seen her cry since the 7th grade when they watched Up in Jeongin's basement during his 12th birthday party.

Beomgyu collapses in Yeonjun's room the minute he gets home.

Yeonjun, surprised at his brothers lack of usual overflowing energy and enormous volume, takes off his headphones and fixes him with a raised eyebrow, putting away whatever art project he was working on for college - he stays at home despite being in his 2nd year right now, mostly because the fancy private art school he goes to has astronomical living expenses and ins't all that far away anyway. "What's wrong with you?" Yeonjun asks, face twisted into a mix of genuine worry and annoyance, and a little bit of plain curiosity, it's rare that Beomgyu comes back from band practice with anything but slightly tired but immense happiness, after all. 

"Nothing," Beomgyu says, "just that the band doesn't have a drummer anymore."

"No way," Yeonjun says, genuinely surprised, "Heeseung dropped out?"

Beomgyu hums in reply and feels the bed dip beside him, as Yeonjun lies down next to him. "Fuck," his older brother whispers, genuinely saddened by the news, "he was a good one." Beomgyu closes his eyes, "he really was," he replies.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, so am I."

Yeonjun sighs, angling his face so his eyes can meet his brothers'. Beomgyu doesn't move, just continues to stare up at Yeonjun's ceilings in contemplation. He can tell his brother's worried, they're terribly close after all, and nobody knows how serious Beomgyu is about the band as well as Yeonjun does, not even his own bandmates. His brother hums, and squeezes Beomgyu's hands, "it'll be fine," he says, "there's plenty of kids who drum out here."

“No one as good as Heeseung."

"You never know, maybe you'll find someone even better."

"I really don't think so."

"Yah! Stop being so pessimistic."

"I'm not being pessimistic, just, cautiously realistic."

"That's just being pessimistic with extra steps."

Beomgyu groans, giving up and turning to face his brother. The annoyance has been washed off from his face, replaced with simple amusement and a hint of remaining worry. Yeonjun smile, angling his arm rather uncomfortably to ruffle Beomgyu's dark hair - a stark contrast from his own continuously dyed and re-dyed bright pink hair, at the very least they're reaching a similar length, though Beomgyu’s hair is fluffier and chocolate brown and not quite as damaged under layers of bleach and dye. It's exceptionally healthy actually, bounces as he moves, makes him seam like a cartoon character.

"When are you guys having tryouts?" Yeonjun asks, as Beomgyu gets up from the bed, pulling his arms over his head and letting out a low groan as he stretches himself out. Beomgyu pauses to think. "We actually haven't discussed that yet," he says, "fuck, I'm going to go call Chaeryeong right now."

Yeonjun chuckles as he watches his little brother sprint out of his room.

  


  


  


  


  


  


Chaeryeong, efficient as she is, organises auditions by the end of the week. 

This is how Beomgyu finds himself staying back after school on a friday, in the school gym, with his band members, Chaeryeong, and an array of hopefuls lined up outside. He's thankful that this many people did sign up to try out, the band has been getting quite a bit of attention at their school and even in the wider part of their little corner of the suburbs, it's still only just a start but at the very least it's a good one. They can only really go up from here. 

Beomgyu's nervous, legs crossed one over the other from, and finger constantly fidgeting. Chaeryeong's arranged a long, wooden table for the four of them, complete with water bottles and snacks, though she's kept the snacks hidden for now - something about giving them an intensive to get these tryouts over with, as if _the future of the band_ wasn't enough. Ryujin, Chenle, Beomgyu and Jeongin, in that order, sit at the table, Beomgyu taps out a beat with his knuckles on the wooden surface, as anxiety builds up in the pit of his belly. From next to him, Jeongin - who by now is well acquainted with Beomgyu's nervous ticks and habits - pats a comforting hand on his back and says, "Yah, stop fidgeting, we'll be fine." Beomgyu just smiles back, the fidgeting doesn't subside. 

"Alright, so we should have about 30 people outside," Chaeryeong announces, scanning the checklist she has strapped onto the clipboard she's using, "I'm just gonna go make sure they all signed up and then get their contact details - you four stay here and sit tight, _do not_ leave the gym." With that she leaves the room, large doors snapping shit behind her.

"I always forget how scary Chae is," Ryujin whistles, "it's kind of hot."

Chenle wrinkles his nose, "ew," he says, "please don't flirt with her in front of me."

"I haven't even flirted with her yet!"

"Don't do it in front of the kids trying out either."

"Chenle, I'll fight you."

Jeongin chuckles as Chenle and Ryujin continue bickering. It's always been common between the five - well, now four - of them, bickering that is, it's part of what makes their dynamic work. Beomgyu notes that his best friend is just as nervous as he is, even though he's grinning right now. Jeongin is sitting next to him, he's manspreading - something Beomgyu notes as an attempt to feign nonchalance - and clenching and unclenching his fists - even though he'd just attempted to comfort Beomgyu not too long ago, it's fairly clear that Jeongin too is struggling to power through this. Somehow, it eases Beomgyu's own anxiety just a little.

It's never silent with them, so even with the heavy weight of Heeseung's departure sitting on their shoulders, the chatter is incessant. It calms Beomgyu, hearing Ryujin prattle on about econ homework, and Chenle complain about how Park Jisung from dance club is the most oblivious person on the planet, and Jeongin complain about how both his crushes are in love with each other (they're in love with him too, Beomgyu knows it, everyone knows it, except Jeongin himself). The chatter is nice, calming in the overwhelming familiarity of the heavy timber of Ryujin's voice and the high pitchiness of Chenle's laughter and the whiny nature of Jeongin's groans. Beomgyu feels the fidgeting subside.

Then Chaeryeong walks back in, finishes writing in her clip-board, looks up at them, and says, "you guys ready?"

No, Beomgyu isn't, but he nods and gives her a thumbs up anyway. 

The tryouts aren't terrible, there's no one quite outstanding yet, definitely no Heeseung's, but the kid's who try out are mostly quite solid. Beomgyu even recognizes a few of them, including shy freshman Shin Yuna who once confessed to Ryujin in middle school and australian exchange student Jake Sim from the grade below who took the same bus as Beomgyu did. Most of them are pretty solid drummers, all of them capable of pulling off a good upbeat or downbeat and sticking to given time signatures. The better ones play some pretty decent drumrolls and grooves, and a couple of them even manage to play some cool Polyrhythms. Beomgyu, trying to be optimistic for once in his life, notes that while none of them are quite at Heeseung's level just yet, there are definitely some he can work with.

"Okay, we're reaching the final 10 so let's take a little break," Chaeryeong say, as applicant #20, freshman Yang Jungwon, shuffles out of the gym with an adorable dimpled smile after playing some fairly impressive groove variations, "thought's before we bring in the next applicant?" Chaeryeong continues, finally handing over their snacks, including some cut mango for Beomgyu. He remembers why he loves her now.

"Surprisingly not terrible," Chenle says, eyebrows angles high on his forehead, "a lot better than I expected at least."

"Right?" Jeongin exclaims, "I thought we'd get a bunch of freshies and sophomores who learned how to play 2 AC/DC songs and decided they were drummers."

"Yeah," Ryujin chuckles, " _most_ of these guys were better than that."

Beomgyu laughs, "Yes a solid 13 out of 20," he takes a bite of mango, "but yeah, better than expected."

"Awe see," Ryujin coos, reaching out to pet Beomgyu's hair, "you were practically murdering you're knuckles for no reason."

Beomgyu wacks away her reaching hands with a scowl, "shut up," he says, "all of you were nervous too, you can't fool me."

Chenle nods sagely, "yeah Jeongin was manspreading, that's how you know."

Jeongin raises his voice in protest, as Ryujin and Beomgyu nod in agreement, Chaeryeong chuckles. "Well, it's good to see all of you are in a better mood now," she says with a small, amused, smile on her lips, "I'm actually a little excited for the next kid," she continues, pulling out her phone and placing it in the middle of the table so the rest of them can huddle over it, "heard some exciting stuff about this one."

The instagram account of one Kai Kamal Huening (or @kkheuninggie) stares back at them. It's your average high school instagram account, full of pictures with the VSCO grain filter and flash photography, except additional to all of that is that Kai Kamal Huening, or whatever his name is, is incredibly, incredibly attractive. Long black hair, pale skin, dark eyes, and strong features gaze back at them, more often than not set into a smirk of a smile, eyes heavy lidded and lips quirked to the side. It's odd because his dark brooding feed of countless late night flash selfies and dark drum kit pictures, are offset with one too many sunshiny selfies and a near obnoxious number of animal emojis. Nevertheless, the guy and his lazy smiles and heavy gaze maybe make Beomgyu's heart beat just a _little_ faster.

"Woah," Jeongin whispers from next to him, "he's hot."

Ryujin whistles in agreement, "damn right he is," she says, before spinning her gaze to where Chaeryeong is standing and adding in a, "but he's got nothing on you, gorgeous."

Chaeryeong's scathing glare of disapproval is rendered harmless with the pink that settles high on her cheeks alongside it, Beomgyu holds in a laugh. "Will all of you stop gawking because he's coming in next," she huffs, grabbing the water bottle Ryujin was leaning towards and taking a long gulp from it, Ryujin whines at the theft but doesn't say anything else - she would've resorted to violence if it was anyone but Chaeryeong. "Okay, well, I'm going to go call him in now," Chaeryeong continues, taking back her phone to effectively cut the four of them off from gawking any longer, "be nice, I'm excited about this one." 

"Damn, I am too," Jeongin says, "Beomgyu how do I look? Do I look okay?"

Beomgyu laughs, "You look fine, Innie."

"Fine? What do you mean I look _fine_?"

"I mean you look like you always do, not that that's a bad thing-"

"Listen while normally I would agree that I am absolutely an 9, I'm knocked down to like a _6_ when I'm sitting next to you and I need to make a good impression on hot drummer boy, so, Choi Beomgyu, do I look fine or not?"

" _I just said you did!_ "

"Girl, girls girls," Ryujin bellows, "you're both pretty - can we please continue tryouts now?"

Beomgyu harmlessly whacks the back of Jeongin's head as the slightly older boy settles into a pout, arms crossed over his chest. "I guess," Jeongin says, before relaxing his posture by slumping into his chair and wrapping an arm over Beomgyu's shoulder, mumbling something about how unfair human biology and genes are as he shoves his head into Beomgyu's shoulder. "Sure," Beomgyu echoes, unaffected by his friends ministrations. Chaeryeong stares at them for a little bit, a little confused and maybe even a little scared, before she shakes her head, sighs, and says, "yeah, I'm just going to call him now - please don't do... whatever that was again." Beomgyu and Jeongin grin before singing "Yes Ma'am!" in unison. Chaeryeong scoffs and slips out of the gym doors. 

As soon as she's out, she's back inside, this time with - as Jeongin had dubbed him - _hot drummer boy_.

And _shit_ , he lives up to that name. 

The first thing Beomgyu notices is how tall he is. Now, Chaeryeong is by no means short, she's a solid 5'6 - Beomgyu is a head taller than her, but Beomgyu is almost 5'11, so there's that. Next to Kai however, Chaeryeong looks smaller than Ryujin. From the pictures Beomgyu had been able to tell that the guy was big, broad chested with strong arms, but the pictures hadn't fully accounted for his height, the guy might even been taller than Heeseung. A solid 6ft, if not more, it's a little intimidating. 

The next thing Beomgyu notices is that his instagram does no justice to his looks either. His features are strong and masculine, firm and sharp-edged in a way that Beomgyu has always wanted for himself, but never quite been able to achieve. Kai has strong cheekbones and a sharp nose with an oddly cute little dip in it, all alongside an exceptionally strong jaw and god, Beomgyu is _weak_. His eyes shine with tinge of childlike mischief, it makes Beomgyu think he's up to no good, albeit in as good a way as possible. His hair is long and dark, slipping past the school's approved hair length - Beomgyu's not one to judge, since his hair breaches that limit as well, however where his is fluffy and piled in curls on top of his head, Kai's is long and silky, dipping past his ears. His uniform is similarly unkempt, tie too loose, sleeves rolled up and shirt untucked, no hint of the school sweater or blazer in sight. His lips bear a near permanent hint of a smirk, but his eyes are wide and curious as he walks behind Chaeryeong.

Beomgyu is, in a word, intrigued.

He is also, in other words, perhaps dangerously attracted to this boy.

"Okay guys, this is Kai," Chaeryeong says, stepping away from the boy to resume her position beside the band, "go on and introduce yourself."

Kai smiles something big and blinding, and then leans into a short bow. "Hi Sunbaenims, I'm Heuning Kai, I'm a junior," He says, "it's nice to meet you all." He speaks good naturedly, with an air of ease that Beomgyu hasn't seen in almost any of the other applicants, most of them nervous and shuffling about on their feet. Kai is different, back straight, feet planted firmly on the ground, hands in his pocket. 

Kai's eyes meet his, and the boy's lips quirk into a smirk.

Beomgyu clenches his brows and feels his lips twist into a small frown. There's a tension there, one Beomgyu hasn't felt it in a while.

He blinks a little and then forces himself to shake off the tension, forcing his lips into a smile. "Hi Kai-ssi, I'm Beomgyu, lead guitarist, and these are Ryujin, Chenle and Jeongin - bassist, vocalist, and rhythm guitarist respectively," he says, the words rolling of his tongue with practiced ease. He pauses to let his band members introduce themselves one by one before continuing. "Okay, so how we're going to do this is that you are going to play us a piece, anything you want there are no genre limitations or anything like that. Once you've done that we'll grill you a little, ask you to play some basic upbeats and downbeats, some grooves and polyrhythms, see how well you can keep up with instrumentals, time signatures, and bass patterns, etcetera etcetera." Kai nods, eyes still fixed on Beomgyu's.

Beomgyu's a little unsettled, although it isn't necessarily in a bad way. “That cool with you?" He continues. 

Kai grins again, big and wide, "of course, Beomgyu Ssi."

Beomgyu gulps. The boy's voice seems to drop 2 octaves as he says Beomgyu's name, it rolls off his tongue silky smooth. "Okay, perfect," he says, lips still stretched into a smile that now borders on uncomfortable, "show us what you've got, Kai-Ssi." Kai nods, giving the band one more smile, before he saunters over the drum set, rolling his shoulders. When he sits down on the drum stool he makes eye contact with Beomgyu again, Beomgyu cocks his head to the side and parts his lips, curious to see more. Kai smirks one last time, and then he _plays_.

Beomgyu gasps.

It's not that they go easy on Kai, really, they don't.

They all grill him to the best of their abilities, Ryujin plays the most complicated bass patterns she can for him to play along to, Chenle sings songs with some of the most complicated time signatures Beomgyu has ever heard, Jeongin and Beomgyu ask him to play as many complicated time signatures and polyrhythms as they can think of, and Chaeryeong even glares at him the entire time, just to up the stakes a bit.

Kai, for lack of a better word, is flawless.

He matches ever beat and every strum, plays everything absolutely perfectly. His high hats reverberate around the gymnasium and his kick drum thrums something heavy that Beomgyu doesn't know if he's going to be able to get out of his head for a while. He has fun with it too, quite visibly, grinning to himself the entire time and flipping the drumsticks around in his grasp, eyes bright with mirth, even as they grill him through boring time signatures and beat switch ups he's probably played a hundred times. Every so often he makes eye contact with Beomgyu and grins something devilish, Beomgyu has to hold back an audible gasp every time he does - although he did let one out when Kai first started playing. And okay, Beomgyu doesn't like comparing, especially when it's two genuinely incredible musicians, but this kid might even be better than Heeseung.

Kai ends his set breathing heavily, and Beomgyu almost feels bad because they've obviously worked this kid to the bone. Sweat drips off his hair and his cheeks are red from exertion, it shouldn't make him any more attractive than he already is, but somehow it does. Kai looks up from the drum-set, chest heaving and lips curling into a smirk as his eyes find Beomgyu's once again. "So," he says, "what did you think?"

"You're in," Jeongin blurts out before Beomgyu has a chance to say anything at all.

"Jeongin!" Ryujin screeches.

"What? We were all thinking it."

Beomgyu sighs, eyes fixed on Kai. "We can't confirm you're in or anything just yet," He says, trying his best to keep his eyes on Kai as the younger stares back at him, lips settled in a determined smile and eyes dark, "but yes, you were incredible." Beomgyu smiles, small but genuine, far realer than the smile he had on earlier while making introductions. "You are _insanely_ talented."

Kai breaks into a grin, so big and so bright Beomgyu almost has to look away. "That means a lot coming from you," he replies, "Beomgyu Ssi," he adds, and Beomgyu feels his eyes go wide and his heart skip a beat. Kai dips into a polite bow, holding his drumsticks behind his back, "thank you for the opportunity sunbaenims!" He says, and then waltzes out of the room after the band says bye, not skipping one last intense, exchanged gaze with Beomgyu - who hasn't moved since the _"That means a lot coming from you, Beomgyu Ssi"_ comment, his heart thrumming in his chest with more intensity than Kai's kick drum.

When the door shuts behind him, Beomgyu feels 4 pairs of eyes on him.

"It's always Beomgyu!" Jeongin says, throwing his arms up in exasperation, "the hot ones always like Beomgyu!"

Beomgyu groans, burying his face in his arms and slamming his forehead against the table. 

"Yeah, what the _fuck_ was that?" Chenle says, although his lips are spread into a wide grin, "how is it that you 2 met for the first time and it _still_ felt like yall were 2 seconds away from sucking face."

"We were not!" Beomgyu battles, voice high and pleading, "why are we not making fun of Jeongin? _He's_ the one who thought the dude was hot."

"We all thought he was hot," Ryujin deadpans, "you'd be blind not to - however none of _us_ maintained extremely steamy eye contact with him for almost 20 minutes."

"There was nothing _steamy_ about it!"

"Oh my god and when he said, _"that means a lot coming from you, Beomgyu Ssi" -_ I thought you were going to explode!" Jeongin adds with a laugh.

"Oh my god yes, you look just like those tomatoes you hate so much!" Chenle adds.

"Man," Ryujin grins, "practices are going to be so fun with this new development."

"As much as I also want to see more of whatever the fuck just went down between Beomgyu and the kid," Chaeryeong says, firm voice cutting through the rest of the bands chatter, "we still have like 8 people to see." Jeongin leans back on his seat, staring at the girl, "why even bother," he says, "no one's going to come close to this kid." Chaeryeong sighs, wacking the top of Jeongins head with a stretched arm, "well you never know who's going to come in," she says, "plus I promised 8 other kids a try out so there's also that."

Needless to say, they do eventually settle on Kai.

  


  


  


  


  


  


It's hard to figure out how Beomgyu hasn't noticed Kai around school before, because after that first fateful meeting, the kid is _everywhere_.

Beomgyu stays back with Ryujin to watch Chaeryeong's cheer practice and boom, there on the opposite side of the court are the basketball team, Kai included. Beomgyu steps into the physics lab one Tuesday to pick up some materials for a homework project and boom, sitting in the middle of Mr. Sim's class is Kai. Beomgyu takes his usual seat at their usual lunch table, and boom, 4 tables away is Kai sitting next to infamous Junior Kang Taehyun, who Beomgyu is actually somewhat friendly with because he works at the Cold Stone Creamery opposite Beomgyu's part time job at the record store, and also Chenle's boyfriend, Jisung, who Beomgyu isn't friends with but who he _has_ had one too many late night phone calls with Chenle about.

Small world. 

Every time Beomgyu sees Kai around school, the younger pauses whatever he's doing, shoots Beomgyu a big, big, grin and sometimes even hollers at him - it usually goes _"HEY! BEOMGYU-SSI WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"_. Beomgyu can't figure out whether he's endeared, embarrassed, or enamoured by it. Either way, Kai is everywhere, and Beomgyu has no clue how he hasn't seen the dude before, especially because he later finds out that the guy is fairly popular in his own right.

There are a couple things Beomgyu learns about Kai over the first month of practice. The first is that Kai is a people person.

He gels with the rest of the band almost instantly, bonding with Chenle over his friendship with Jisung, gaining a soft spot from Chaeryeong for reasons Beomgyu doesn't know but desperately wants to, exchanging flirting tips and advice with Ryujin which makes both of them just a little more insufferable, and even visiting the arcade with Jeongin after practice. Kai is an open book, extroverted to an extent where even Beomgyu with his own incessant extroversion, is borderline impressed and borderline scared. The kid can hold any conversation he wants, with any person he wants, and he can do it insanely well. He blends into the band dynamic seamlessly, and while they aren't as close to him as they were to Heeseung, it seams like it's only a matter of time.

The second thing Beomgyu learns about Kai, is that Kai is a huge fucking flirt.

It's never ending, it's incessant, and it makes Beomgyu's heart leap in his chest and his words trip over each other. It starts out small, with an odd smirk or a wink. But soon Kai progresses from there, moving from simple gestures to whole sentences with breaths of _"woah, hyung, you're so talented"_ and _"you look so pretty today, hyung"_ and _"hyung, you're so cute when you're sleepy"_ \- it makes Beomgyu stutter over his words every time. Beomgyu, mess that he is, usually responds with violence, smacking Kai on the chest or on the back of his head, face warm and probably very red - it usually just makes Kai laugh and mumble out a " _cute_ " all over again. Beomgyu hates him (no he doesn't, he really, really, doesn't).

The third thing Beomgyu learns about Kai, is that despite being hot and talented and flirty - Kai is also just a really nice guy.

Even if the incessant flirting makes Beomgyu want to rip his - or Kai's - head off, the kid is always there to help, rushing to Beomgyu's side when he sees him carrying something to heavy or having some difficulty with, well, anything really. He's also polite and kind and generous and picks up snacks for them from time to time and suggesting that they end practice early when the seniors look particularly exhausted. He's about as close to perfect as Beomgyu's ever seen - although he's never going to admit that. Sure, Kai's loud and sometimes clumsy and maybe the flirting genuinely makes Beomgyu want to scream, but he's also sweet and passionate and kind and friendly and all of that is beside the fact that he is:

A) very, very talented

B) very, very hot

and C) possesses the capability to make Beomgyu's face very, very red. 

All in all, Beomgyu is maybe just a little fucked. 

Beomgyu hasn't had a crush in a while okay? It's always just been flirting and maybe a make out at a party, but a proper crush? Forget a whole relationship? Beomgyu can't remember the last time that happened. So there's no way it can happen now, right? Even if Kai is sweet and funny and waits outside Beomgyu's class so they can walk to band practice together. Kai is nice, he's so, so, so nice, and he's so sweet and he's so cute and ugh, Beomgyu fucking hates him.

(No he doesn't.

He wishes he did though.)

Here's the thing: Beomgyu lives by the rules he sets for himself. They're his own rules, so they don't feel particularly constricting most of the time, and mostly they just surround the band. But sometimes, in moments like these, they make Beomgyu's head hurt and his mind spin. For example, rule number 3 on Beomgyu's list of rules to live by - no relationships within the band. Absolutely no in-band romances - what if they mess up the bands dynamic with the relationship? What if they break up and the band becomes all tense and the only song they can perform is Don't Speak by Gwen Stefani? What if it becomes a Fleetwood Mac situation?

Just all around not great scenes.

Beomgyu's years of meticulous planning were already knocked down a peg because of Heeseung's relationship. Once again, no ill will, Heeseung and his boyfriend Sunghoon are adorable - but Beomgyu is _not_ putting any more at stake. So even if Beomgyu _did_ like Kai - which he _doesn't,_ no sir, not one bit - it's not going to go anywhere, not if Beomgyu has anything to do with it.

Nevertheless, Kai being in the band _does_ help - over and beyond him being necessary as, well, quite frankly, the best drummer Beomgyu's ever met. Kai's the only non-senior there, so when the rest of them are freaking out over college acceptances and final exams and LORs, Kai is a beacon of optimism and positivity, reminding them of how talented and good and smart they all are - something Beomgyu often struggles with doing himself. It's nice, a break from Beomgyu's usual circle of half dead high school seniors on the precipice of a hundred simultaneous mental breakdowns. Kai comes as not just a welcome break but also sometimes as a welcome distraction - even if it's sometimes only in hindsight, whining till Beomgyu agrees to leave his books and come watch one of Kai's basketball game (which he's annoyingly good at, how dare he be both musically and physically gifted?), or pouting till Beomgyu puts down his guitar and comes to get ice cream with him.

They grow increasingly closer the whole year, and while the flirting never gets any less annoying, Kai's general presence turns into a constant in his life - seeing someone for an hour and a half at least 5 days a week, every single week, will do that to you. Either way, by the time senior year comes to an entirely too stressful close and Beomgyu waits on his acceptance letter to the music composition department of SNU, Beomgyu and Kai are genuinely friends. _Good_ friends, who sometimes call each other at Midnight and talk about their feelings and know exactly what to do to cheer each other up in times of need (Kai, puppy that he is, likes food and belly rubs).

They click fast, despite how much Kai persistently teases him, and Beomgyu's increasingly thankful for it. Kai is nice, having Kai around is also nice, being friends with Kai is even nicer, and while Beomgyu continues to shove any more feelings he has for the younger boy deeper into his chest, kept away from his brain at all costs, Kai is still a nice, comforting _solid_ presence in Beomgyu's life. A friend, and Beomgyu wouldn't have it any other way.

He _can't_ have it any other way.

  


  


  


  


  


  


The record store is Beomgyu's safe haven. Home has Yeonjun, and his parents, and their fucking pet parrot who Beomgyu loves but will be the first to admit is annoying as hell. And school has, well, everyone. The record store, however, only has Beomgyu, a very small number of shoppers, and Hoseok, a post-grad student who mans the cash register on weekdays. He only wears bright colours and tie-dye and never wears any shoes. Beomgyu loves him. The owner, a middle aged man named Lee Hyun pops in from time to time, and another grad student named Jisoo - Beomgyu loves her too, she's a lesbian, vegan, activist who always brings baked goods with her and is just really, really cool - mans the register on weekends.

But most days it's just Hoseok and Beomgyu, left to their own devices, listening to whatever the fuck they want, and helping out whatever shopper walks in through the stores glass doors - plus he only needs to come in 4 days, Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. It's the perfect place and the perfect job.

“...So then I'm throwing up too, and look at this point none of us know how much we've done-"

Beomgyu hums, signifying that he's listening, as Hoseok prattles on about yet another story from Uni. It has the same trend as all the others, an obscene amount and variety of substances, someone throwing up, and Hoseok recounting the monster of a hangover he had the next day. Beomgyu's only half listening really, partly because this feels like every single other drunk Uni story Hoseok has told him, and partly because he's too focused on switching out the Kendrick Lamar vinyl that has just finished playing for The Stranger (Legacy Edition) by Billy Joel on the store's record player. 10/10, best part of the job - the record player, not Billy Joel, although Beomgyu doesn't think the record player would be as fun if he couldn't play Vienna on it. 

"This is all to say that I am never doing whiskey, adderall, and ecstasy on the same night again," Hoseok finishes.

Beomgyu winces, "yeah, that seems like a smart idea."

"Uh huh, I haven't slept since friday."

"Hyung, it's monday afternoon?" Beomgyu says, mildly2 alarmed, "that does not sound healthy."

"It isn't, but that's Uni for you," Hoseok says with a shrug, "also good choice with the Billy Joel, Movin' Out is some good hangover music."

Beomgyu laughs, "I'll keep that in mind."

"As you should," Hoseok says through a nod, "with the band thing you've got going? You're going to be rolling in boys, booze, and hangovers by 20." Hoseok says, before adding, "try not to, though? Like, I know I tell you all these wild stories every day but I am not the example you want to be following."

Beomgyu laughs, "better you than any of the rockstars I idolize."

"Fair enough," Hoseok says through a shrug, "then again, Mick Jagger is 77 and still kicking after a lifetime of hard drugs and harder alcohol, so maybe there's some merit to that lifestyle."

"Now I know why you're boyfriend's mom hates you," Beomgyu comments, shuffling through the newly arrived pack of recent releases - he makes a mental note to pick up a copy of Kid Cudi's Man On The Moon 3 for Yeonjun as well as a copy of Phoebe Bridgers' Punisher for himself, maybe pick up the new Megan Thee Stallion and Gorillaz albums too, if he was feeling up for it - and also if his employee discount covers it all comfortably.

"Listen, her son is an underground rapper - if she thinks my life choices are bad, she should see how _he_ spends his weekends."

Beomgyu laughs quietly, pulling out a stack of Taylor Swift records that came in with the new releases and placing a single copy of Evermore on the display window before placing the rest on the front shelf, where everyone who walked in could see. "I'm sure Yoongi-Ssi is the picture of good behaviour in front of his mom," Beomgyu says, smiling appreciatively as he lines up the records. Hoseok lets out a noise of approval from where he's sitting, legs propped up on the check-out counter, "you know it, total momma's boy, you should see him during Christmas - Oh kid, you again?"

Beomgyu spins around, ready to greet whoevers at the door with a _Good Afternoon, welcome to Blue Hour Record Store, how can I help you?,_ only to see Huening Kai walk in through the glass doors, face split into a big smile and holding a paper bag in his hands. "Hi Hoseok-Ssi! Beomgyu Hyung!" He says brightly, "Went to visit Taehyun and thought I'd pick up some ice cream for you guys."

"You used his employee discount right-"

"Yes, Hoseok-Ssi, I know you're stance on capitalism and chain enterprises like Cold Stone, I used his discount," Kai says brightly, before placing a cup on Hoseok's check-out counter and making his way towards Beomgyu. "For you, Hyung," he says with a smirk as he hands over a cup of strawberry ice cream. Beomgyu scoffs despite the warmth that blooms in his cheeks, and makes a show of picking it up before saying, "always such a gentlemen."

"Only for you, Hyung."

He winks. Of course he does. 

"Yeah yeah," Beomgyu says, sighing happily as the cool, creamy taste of overpriced strawberry ice cream floods his tongue. Kai grins at him, watching him savour the desert, before saying, "Jeez Hyung, take it slow you're going to get a brain freeze." Beomgyu shoots him a glare, setting the cup - already half over - on a shelf and saying, "now help me with these new arrivals - you'll be excited to know that the new Ariana records just came in," he says, before gesturing at the remaining Taylor Swift records still waiting to be stacked.

"You know for a drummer in a rock band you sure listen to a lot of radio pop, Kai," Hoseok calls out.

Kai shrugs, "what can I say I like what I like," he says, before winking down at Beomgyu and prompty recieving a smack on the head in return. He proceeds to doing as Beomgyu had asked and picking up a stack of Evermore copies and placing them below the one's Beomgyu had just finished stacking, humming to himself.

Hoseok lets out a sound of approval, "good," he calls out again, "never apologize for what you like, kid, back in my day I used to never tell anyone anything about myself because of my internalized homophobia - and look at me now." Beomgyu raises an unimpressed eyebrow.

"Hyung, you're a 24 year old grad student with a cool boyfriend and a perpetual hangover," He says, "I'm not sure what you're trying to convince us of."

Hoseok grumbles. Kai laughs.

"So Hyung," Kai asks, "when's your letter from SNU getting here?"

He speaks quietly, as if it's a secret meant only for Beomgyu's ears - he doesn't have to speak that softly even if this is the case, they're standing awfully close together, Beomgyu just needs to look up a little to basically be at eye level with Kai's lips. Kai stares down at him expectantly, big eyes glistening with their signature mix of mischief, optimism and curiosity. Beomgyu sighs, grabbing his strawberry ice cream once again and taking what is perhaps a slightly aggressive spoonful of ice cream. 

"No clue," he sighs out, his posture slumping, "they're all supposed to be dispatched this week." He'd mimicked Kai's soft tone just now, even though he hadn't realised it. It makes the moment strangely intimate, the two of them centimetres away from each other in an empty corner of an otherwise mostly empty record store. "I'm trying not to set myself up for disappointment," Beomgyu continues, "even if I'm applying for a relatively smaller department, SNU is _really_ hard to get into."

Kai frowns, eyebrows clenching and the corners of his lips dipping into an unhappy curve. "Hyung," he says, voice dripping with sincerity, "don't think like that." He keeps the records down, moving to grab Beomgyu's face with his too-large hands, they cover the entirety of Beomgyu's cheeks, washing them over in warmth, although Beomgyu isn't sure whether the warmth comes from Kai's palms or his own face and the rush of blood that will inevitably flood his cheeks with Kai looking down at him like he is right now, Beomgyu's face in his hands. "You're amazing, Hyung," Kai whispers, face still settled in a determined frown, "you're hard working and you're smart and you're so, so, so talented - like how do you maintain grades like that while basically running the band with Chaeryeong-Noona and maintaining you're own stellar musical prowess, and you do all that while maintaining the best hair and skin I've ever seen like, you're skin is so _soft_ hyung-"

"Kai," Beomgyu whines cutting of Kai's rambling, he's definitely blushing now, the warmth in his face flooding to his palms and his ears, "stop!"

Kai stops talking, face breaking into a smile as he mumbles out a "cute" before hastily drawing his palms away from Beomgyu's flushed face. He clears his throat, and Beomgyu laughs lightly. He reaches up to ruffle Kai's hair once he notices the red dusting the top of Kai's ears and Kai whines, something about Beomgyu ruining his hair, but lets it go eventually for a spoonful of Beomgyu's ice cream - which he insists Beomgyu feed him himself. Brat. He leaves not too long after, saying he has to pick up his little sister from some class. He squeezes Beomgyu's hands and kisses his forehead before he goes, smiling so wide and so bright that if it was anyone but Kai, Beomgyu thinks it would split their face in half.

"They're going to love you, Hyung," he says before he leaves, "there's no way they can't - everyone does!"

Beomgyu finds himself staring at where Kai was standing minutes after he's gone, the ghost of the younger boy's warmth burning against his skin. He looks up to find Hoseok staring at him with his face cupped in his palms, lips spread in an amused, knowing grin, white teeth bared to the world and eyes lit up in amusement. Beomgyu raises a brow, "what?" he asks, eyebrows knotting together and lips dipping into a frown.

"He comes by here almost every day, you know?" Hoseok says matter-of-factly.

"I'm aware," Beomgyu answers simply.

He knows where this conversation is going - he doesn't want to go there.

"I know you have you're whole _no-dating-within-the-band_ thing, but c'mon, you very obviously like each other."

Beomgyu looks away, focusing on a new pack of records, face still drawn into a tight frown.

"He's not going to wait around forever, you know?" Hoseok says, and Beomgyu doesn't need to look up to tell that the older boy is staring at him with pity, "no one does, no matter how intense the feelings are." Beomgyu sighs, placing a copy of the new Gorillaz record on a shelf, keeping his eyes glued firmly on the graphic designs plastered on the album cover, running his fingers over the smooth plastic wrapping, cool to the touch against his warm hands.

"I know," he whispers, almost to himself, "I know."

  


  


  


  


  


  


"Have you guys got your letters?" Jeongin asks, his voice is tense through the speaker of Beomgyu's phone.

"Yup," Ryujin says, through an audible gulp.

"Mine just came in too," Chenle says, sounding uncharacteristically nervous.

"Mine came this morning," Beomgyu says, "It's been lying outside, I was too scared to take it out of the mailbox until you called."

The four of them are on call, crisply starched letters from Seoul National University sitting in their palms. The plan since they started the band has been this: they graduate high school, stay in Seoul so they can all continue band activities together, and attend college together in the city. After strenuous research on the best courses and departments for all of them, they'd eventually settled on Seoul National University - known more for it's academics, sure, but they had a great music department too, and in comparison with some of the more hardcore fine arts schools, the courses were a breeze too, with Beomgyu and Chenle both going in for a degree in Music Composition, Ryujin in Instrumental Music, and Jeongin in Music Education. Even Chaeryeong's going there, hoping to get a degree in Business Management - she, of course, being the intellectual that she is, already got in on early acceptance.

"So," Ryujin says, breathe shaky, "how do we wanna do this."

"Ideally I'd want all of us to open them in the same place," Chenle says, "but I don't think I can wait long enough for us to arrange that." 

"I'm with you," Jeongin says, "any longer staring at this unopened thing and I'm going to jump out of my window."

Beomgyu laughs shakily, "please don't," he says, voice a husk of what it usually is, "can we do like a 3 2 1 sort of thing?"

"Dumbass, do you mean a countdown."

"Ryujin I am _very stressed_ right now _please do not test me_!"

"Damn okay," Ryujin says, and Beomgyu's a little glad to see that their exchange has maybe comforted her a little, "so how are we doing this countdown thingy?"

"I guess one of us does it - we can go by age maybe 3 2 1 0 and then we all open on zero," Chenle suggests. Jeongin nods at that, "that means I go first," he says, chewing on his bottom lip nervously. Beomgyu's biting his own so hard that he's worried he might break skin. "Okay," Jeongin says, "squaring his shoulder and pulling up his letter to face the screen, "let's do this - everyone got their letters?" Jeongin receives 3 nods of approval, takes a deep, shaky, breathe, and says, "three."

"Two," Beomgyu echoes, hand poised over his own letter.

"One," Ryujin continues, voice tense and determined all at once.

Chenle lets out a deep sigh, clenches his eyes shut and grabs at his letter so hard it might tear.

"One."

Beomgyu tears open his envelope with fast, shaky hands, fingers tripping one over the other, as the paper comes apart, jagged edge against jagged edge. Inside sits a slab of tough paper, trimmed with gold borders and covered in neat black writing. Beomgyu clenches his eyes shut and pulls it out of the envelope, the paper is rough against his palms, but the print on top of it is smooth and cool to the touch. Beomgyu bites down on his lip hard and cracks an eye open.

_Dear Choi Beomgyu..._

"Holy shit," Jeongin says, "holy shit I got in!"

Ryujin's next, letting out a squeal and an "oh my fucking god!"

Then Chenle, letting out a myriad of _no way_ 's.

3 eyes fall on Beomgyu, but he runs out of the door before any of them have a chance to ask, leaving his phone and his friends and their calls of his name on his bed. He races down the stairs to the living room, where Yeonjun and his parents are sitting, and runs directly into his brothers arms, wrapping his arms and legs around Yeonjun and burying his head in the older's shoulders, wet tears running down his cheeks and wetting the probably very expensive and/or very rare piece of clothing wrapped around Yeonjun shoulders. He holds on for dear life, head and heart reeling, fingers clenched tightly around Yeonjun's shoulders. 

"Gyu," Yeonjun's voice peaks out, alarmed, "Beomgyu, you okay?" He asks, running a hand through Beomgyu's hair. "Honey, is everything okay?" His mom's voice speaks, as a soft hand rests on his shoulder, and the sofa dips beside him and Yeonjun. "Bud?" His dad says last, large hand running comforting lines up and down his back, crouching down in front of where he's wrapped himself around his big brother. Beomgyu's heart lurches in his chest, beating so hard it could burst out of his chest and so fast Beomgyu thinks it could rival the speed of light. The words are caught in his throat, lodged in there like a pill that refuses to go down. His legs feel like liquid, numb and tight all at once. His palms are sweaty - Yeonjun's definitely going to complain about the state of his sweater once things have calmed down.

"I got in," he whispers, before he pulls his face away from Yeonjun's shoulder, "I GOT IN!"

The change in mood is instantaneous. Yeonjun lets out the loudest shriek of joy Beomgyu has ever heard, happy arms wrapping themselves around Beomgyu's middle so hard that Beomgyu feels a bit like a toothpaste tube that Yeonjun is trying his best to squeeze out the very last bit of product out of. His parents let out exhales of relief, before they jump into each others arms, with squeals of excitement, and then eventually envelope their sons, letting out happy, dazed whispers of "I knew you could do it" and "I'm so proud, I'm so proud, I'm so proud!" Beomgyu shakes in their arms, lips spread into a big happy grin that had it not been for the joy of the moment would probably have been painful in how big it is. The tears are endless too, streaming down Beomgyu's face, continuous and inconclusive. 

Things calm down with the promise of a celebratory dinner with the Yang's, the Zhong's and the Shin's sometime during the weekend. Beomgyu goes back to his room to find his friends still on call - this time with Chaeryeong as well - all worriedly pondering why exactly he ran away. He assures them that everything's all good, tells them he got in, screams with them a little (a lot) and then eventually puts the phone down after seeing he's at 5% battery. Beomgyu collapses on his bed, it's only about 7:30, but he feels exhausted, albeit exhilarated, the two emotions crashing and crumbling against each other until they collapse into a happy, muddled little pit in Beomgyu's stomach.

Everything is going according to plan.

As promised, Beomgyu finds himself at dinner with his friends, their families, and his own a few days later. Even Yeonjun's long term boyfriend, Soobin, comes over, and by some surprise twist of fate, Beomgyu also finds himself opening the door to Chaeryeong and her family as well as Kai, his older sister Lea, and their mother. The house is full of chatter, parents bustling with excitement over their children's blooming career paths. Yeonjun and Soobin pinch Beomgyu on the cheeks any chance they get, whispering about how he's all grown up - even though there's less than a year between Soobin and Beomgyu. Even Chaeyeon - Chaeryeong's older sister - and Lea join in, ruffling his hair and poking the apple of his cheeks with well manicured fingernails. Beomgyu feels a bit like he's in a daze, surrounded by his favorite people after receiving some of the best news of his life, meat sizzling on the terrace barbecue just meters away. Life is good.

They stay downstairs with the parents for a while, before Beomgyu's mom concedes and says that the kids are welcome to go up to Beomgyu's room - after a bit of deliberation they even let them take up a couple bottles of wine. Yeonjun, Soobin, Lea and Chaeyeon file into Yeonjun's room - Beomgyu feels bad for the girls for having to third wheel, but at least they're together - while the rest of them shuffle into Beomgyu's. Jeongin jumps into his bed, sighing as he drowns against the soft mattress, where he's joined by Ryujin and Chaeryeong seconds later. Chenle locates himself on Beomgyu's study chair, spinning around on the seat, which leaves Beomgyu and Kai to curl up next to each on the large bean bag Beomgyu has, squished against one another, Beomgyu's legs propped onto Kai's lap for comfort.

"I can't believe we're all actually going to SNU together," Jeongin says, voice true to his words and disbelieving, "like I always _knew_ we would but now that it's happening it feels so _strange_."

Ryujin, props herself up on Beomgyu's bed, smiling from ear to ear, "I'm excited," she says, "say, Yeong, what we end up as roomies?" She says with a raised brow.

Chaeryeong shrugs, getting up to lean against Ryujin, "for once I'm willing to admit that maybe that's not the worst thing ever."

"Wait what really?" Ryujin asks, frazzled by the sudden sincerity. Chaeryeong smiles in affirmation. 

Beomgyu holds in the giggles that threaten to spill out at the sight of cool-girl-bad-bitch-bassist Ryujin's bright red cheeks. The two of them will get together soon enough, Beomgyu knows it, it's been a long time coming anyway, they've basically been dancing around each other since middle school - long before either of them even came to terms with their sexuality. Beomgyu's excited to tease them more than anything else. 

"Yah, Beomgyu, Chenle, what if one of you becomes my roommate," Jeongin says, wiggling his eyebrows. Chenle scowls, and Beomgyu lets out a scoff. "Honestly with you're party-to-hangover ratio, I think you're roommates going to have a very hard time," Chenle says, matter-of-factly. "Ditto," Beomgyu adds, "which is exactly why I strongly do not want to be your roommate." Chenle nods sagely in agreement. Jeongin pouts, going on to ramble about how neither of them appreciate him and he can't wait to replace all of them with a newer, better friend group in college and "fuck both of you!"

Chaeryeong rolls her eyes, before grinning and pointing them in Beomgyu and Kai's direction. "Kai, I'm assuming you're going to be joining us in SNU next year," she says, smiling brightly. It's uncharacteristic of Chaeryeong to be so bright and relaxed, Beomgyu likes it. He can feel Kai nodding from next to him, they're pressed so closely together that any and all of Kai's movements can be felt against his own skin. "Mhm," Kai says, bright and relaxed all at once, "my best friend Taehyun's hoping to study Computer Science or something there, and I think Jisung's going to try and minor in their dance department as well, so yeah, SNU." Beomgyu grins, somehow knowing Kai's going to be there too makes the whole thing even better.

"I, frankly, can't wait to see all of us drunk of our asses and living our best lives," Chenle announces, popping open their first bottle of wine and taking a big swig. "Calm down, Le," Beomgyu says with a grin, "you do have a boyfriend waiting for you, you know?" Kai laughs from next to him, moving his arm to rest it around Beomgyu's shoulder, Beomgyu stiffens for a second, before relaxing against the younger boy, sinking into Kai's arm, strong from years of drumming. Chenle rolls his eyes, "not like that," he says, "although I'm sure you're going to go there."

Beomgyu scoffs, rolling his eyes, but doesn't deny anything.

"Ah yes, I'm sure Beomgyu will get all the boys with that face of his," Jeongin says.

Kai's arm tenses on his shoulder, Beomgyu finds himself reaching up to squeeze Kai's palm before he even knows it. 

"And then scare them away by opening his mouth," Jeongin continues, gleefully.

"Yah!" Beomgyu says, ready to throw hands at his best friend. Kai holds him back from launching himself at Jeongin with an arm around his waist, pulling him back in place with a laugh. Jeongin scrambles behind Chaeryeong and Ryujin, “lesbians, protect me!” He says. Ryujin and Chaeryeong exchange exhausted glances. "Beom," Chaeryeong says, before her and Ryujin move to leave Jeongin unprotected, "have at him."

Beomgyu is ready to jump again, but Kai's grip around him is iron, holding him in place - how the fuck is he this strong?

"Hyung!" Kai whines, "I know Jeongin-Hyung is annoying but don't leave," he says, "you're warm."

Beomgyu ignores Jeongin insulted _"yah"_ in favor of willing away the warmth in his cheeks - with little to no success - and settling against Kai once again, strong arms still wrapped around his waist in a way that makes Beomgyu's head spin. Chaeryeong and Chenle exchange a glance that Beomgyu pretends he doesn't notice, choosing instead to stick his tongue out at Jeongin. 

"Okay, Chenle, pass the wine please," Ryujin says, and then it starts.

About 3 bottles in and Beomgyu is wine drunk, mind in a comfortable haze. He's still slouched out against Kai, giggling uncontrollably at something the younger boy is saying. Beomgyu likes being wine drunk, it brings all the joy and elation of being regular drunk without any of the out-of-control feelings or hangovers. He's hazy all over, warm and still in Kai's grasp. Chenle has left his chair to lie down on the floor next to Jeongin, giggling uncontrollably as the two of them count the plastic stars on Beomgyu's ceiling. Chaeryeong and Ryujin are intertwined on the bed, legs threaded together and hand running through each others hair. They look about 5 seconds away from kissing and Beomgyu really doesn't want to be there when that happens, so he taps Kai on the shoulder, points towards the door and whispers something about going up to the roof. 

They make their way, carefully stepping over their friends, and holding onto each other tightly so they don't fall on their way up the stairs. The January air is crisp against Beomgyu's skin, cool against the wine induced warmth that floods his system. He leans against the railing, looking out at the view, as he feels Kai walk up and stand next to him, leaning his head on top of Beomgyu's and wrapping an arm around his waist once again. 

"This is nice," Kai says, voice coming out a little slurred, "I like holding you like this, you feel so small."

Beomgyu wants to be insulted, but all he feels is bubbling affection in his chest. A giggle slips out and he whacks Kai's side gently, "I'm not small," he says.

"Yeah, you're tiny."

"I'm 180 centimetres tall!"

"Whatever," Kai says, nuzzling into the top of Beomgyu's head further, "still tiny."

Beomgyu huffs, but relaxes against Kai's arms anyway as they both come to wrap around his waist and Beomgyu finds himself sandwiched between Kai and the railing. He sighs happily, waves of warmth and drunkenness willing him to lean against Kai's chest, place his head on the junction between his neck and shoulder, and settle his hands over Kai's from where they rest against his belly. Kai is unbelievably warm, and he covers Beomgyu like a shield from the cold, wrapping him up in warmth and that soft fuzzy feeling one gets in the arms of their favorite blanket. Beomgyu closes his eyes, leaning into the feeling.

He smiles as he feels a pair of soft lips on the top of his head.

They're gone as fast as they came.

  


  


  


  


  


Finals are a blur, and before Beomgyu knows it he's moving into his college dorm.

Luckily enough Jeongin, Chenle and him all end up on the same floor, with Chenle's dorm being just opposite from Beomgyu's and Jeongin's being right at the end of the hall about 8 rooms away. Beomgyu's roommate is an extroverted linguistics major named Yoon Jaehyuk who's perpetually smiling and makes great hangover cure. He parties a fair bit more than Beomgyu does - which is saying a lot since Beomgyu definitely doesn't shy away from that part of college life at all - and spends most of his time with this quiet Japanese kid named Asahi that Beomgyu is pretty sure he's in love with, though the two of them haven't made anything official just yet. 

Speaking of falling in love, Beomgyu finds Jeongin crushing hopelessly on his roommate about a month into college. He's this adorable Australian student named Felix who has a face splattered in freckles, a voice deeper than Beomgyu's, and a smile that could maybe even rival Kai's. Jeongin basically falls in love with him at first sight, and since then has spent a solid 60% of his time talking about the guy - Chenle complains about it a fair bit but Beomgyu's pretty sure this is because he misses his own boyfriend, who he hasn't been able to meet nearly as much as usual due to it being Jisung's senior year and well, _college_.

As Beomgyu had predicted, Chaeryeong and Ryujin start dating a couple months into the semester. Ryujin does a whole big grand gesture thing where she gets Beomgyu and Chenle to sing Chaeryeong a song while Ryujin puts on a suit and spends a months salary on flowers that cost way too much (Chaeryeong pays for the first date in return, even though Ryujin's the one who asked her out).

Beomgyu however, doesn't find himself in the thralls of any new romantic venture. He gets flirted with a fair bit and makes out with his share of boys at parties, but the thought of a relationship or even a date with any of them sends a flash of dark hair and mischievous eyes to Beomgyu's head and Beomgyu feels sick to his stomach.

They continue band practice, moving to Kai's basement since he's the only who still stays with his parents.

The frequency of practice goes down but the duration goes up, moving from an hour five times a weeks, to two hours three times a week, and then a three hour session during Saturday's. Beomgyu misses seeing Kai everyday, but he meets the younger boy enough times for it not to be something that properly gets him down. Kai's life is about 5 times busier now because of senior year, but he still pops in to see Beomgyu at the record store at least once a week - a job he keeps, and needs a lot more now, moving to work every day instead of 4 times a week. Hoseok and Jisoo both take great joy in watching him slave over college assignments on the job, thankfully they covers for him too. Before Beomgyu knows it his, midterms are over, first term comes to a close, and sooner than he can digest all of it, Beomgyu finds himself thrown into the second term of his first year.

In early January Kai gets his acceptance letter to SNU (Beomgyu and the band are on call with him, Taehyun and Jisung when they open their letters, the three of them as tense as they were the year before), and just as they did last year they stop band practice for a while - save for the weekends - while Kai slaves through finals, and the rest of their own examinations are fast approaching.

College is fun too, hard work, sure, but fun nevertheless. Beomgyu misses his parents and his brother, but since he's studying in his hometown meeting them isn't too hard, _plus_ Beomgyu gets lucky with his roommate too, Jaehyuk becoming a key friend and source of advice in his life - Beomgyu even learns how to brew his magical hangover cure (Jaehyuk usually needs it more than he does). His classes are actually fun too, Beomgyu is lucky enough to be in a department and course he genuinely enjoys and cares about - plus Hoseok boyfriend is the TA and that's a fun plus. All in all, college is good, very hard, but good. Beomgyu, for the most part, is having fun. He's constantly surrounded with his friends, barely ever alone - something Beomgyu is thankful for, since he tends to overthink while left to his own devices, and just all in all having a great time.

And then on his 19th birthday, Beomgyu wakes up to an empty dorm.

It's a Saturday and Jaehyuk has extra classes, poor guy, but Beomgyu gets to stay in and laze around in bed without the sound of Jaehyuk groaning as he wakes up, so there's that. He misses waking up to Yeonjun shaking him awake and thrusting a gift in his arms, but the myriad of texts he wakes up to gets the job done. He'd spent the last night with his friends, him, Jeongin, Chenle, Ryujin and Chaeryeong drinking _a lot_ of wine and smoking _a lot_ of weed in Chaeryeong and and her sisters’ apartment which they'd rented together off campus, and eventually stumbling home at 4:30 a.m - Jaehyuk, thankfully, slept like a literal baby, not even Beomgyu's 4 am inebriated clumsiness could wake him up.

Beomgyu only stirs at noon, glad to find that he hadn't been stupid enough to drink any really hard alcohol because he wakes up with no hangover whatsoever. He stretches his arm over his head and ruffles his too long hair - he hasn't cut it in nearly a year, it's grown longer and fluffier, Beomgyu's a little on the fence about it but he doesn't hate it just yet. According to Korean tradition it's his coming of age, so he's supposed to go out and have dinner with his parents at night. So with a sigh, Beomgyu slips out of his dorm, toiletries, towel, and a change of clothing in hand, to go to the dorm bathrooms and scrub the smell of wine and weed off his skin. He's glad to find the bathroom completely empty, so he can enjoy his bath in privacy. The water is warm against his skin, and Beomgyu scrubs himself clean with his vanilla shower-gel and lavender shampoo.

He steps out of the shower after getting into a too-big hoodie that had once belonged to Yeonjun and a pair of shorts, slipping his towel over his shoulders to stop the water that's dripping off his hair from getting his (Yeonjun's) sweatshirt too wet. He shuffles towards his dorm, rubbing at his eyes and letting out a yawn, as he sleepily drags his feet through the apartment block.

"Beomgyu Hyung?"

His eyes snap open at the familiar voice.

Standing there, just outside the door to his dorm, is Kai. He looks incredibly handsome, wearing slim fitting trousers with a large faux-leather coat that dapples over his broad shoulders on top of a simple white button down. His face - that has matured incredibly over the course of his senior year, jaw sharpening further and cheeks losing any trace of baby fat - stares down at Beomgyu with large, happy eyes and a small smile. Before Beomgyu has a chance to say anything at all, he's wrapped up in Kai's arms, his constant scent of old spice and moisturiser floods Beomgyu's nose and he smiles happily and nuzzles into Kai's chest. Kai's grown even taller over the year, where before Beomgyu was eye level with his lips, now he's eye level with his chest, head fitting perfectly under Kai's chin.

Kai loosens his grasp and Beomgyu quickly steps away. "Wait my hair's wet," he worries, "you'll ruin your clothes - and you're all dressed up and everything." Kai rolls his eyes and pulls Beomgyu close again, arms around his waist, "no offence, Hyung, but I really couldn't care less," he says, breath fanning the top of Beomgyu's head and his ears, "happy birthday, by the way," he says, the smile audible in his voice.

Beomgyu giggles, wrapping his arms around Kai's shoulders, "thank you," he says, "did you come all this way just to say that."

Kai pulls away, face lit up in a small smile. "Nope," he says, "I also got you this." 

He whips out a single rose, dark red and trimmed of any thorns, just beginning to bloom. It's a distinctly romantic gesture, and Beomgyu breath hitches as Kai holds it out towards him with a bashful shyness on his face that Beomgyu hasn't seen often. "It's not much," Kai continues, his other hand moving up to scratch at the back of his neck, "but it's kind of a tradition with my family to give our loved ones roses when they come of age, and usually it's just for girls but like-"

"I love it," Beomgyu interrupts as Kai starts descending into rambling territory, "thank you, Kai-yah," he says, smiling softly.

Kai grins back, cheeks and ear dipped in red, before his eyes widen and he drops his hand into a deep coat pocket. "Lea Noona sent you macarons as well," he says, procuring a neatly packed box of macarons, "here you go." Beomgyu takes the box from his hand, little jolts of electricity striking where their fingers touch, "tell her I say thank you," he says, smiling, before he steps forward to open up the door to his dorm, "now come on, get inside!"

Kai looks tense as Beomgyu closes the door behind him, shuffling back and forth on his feet, eyes darting around the room. "You okay?" Beomgyu asks, raising a brow and collapsing onto his bed, "you can sit down you know, tell me what's wrong."

"No, no, nothing's wrong," Kai says bashful, "it's just- there's another part to the, uh, rose tradition."

Beomgyu hums, gazing at Kai expectantly, "go on."

"It's just," Kai huffs something between a sigh and a groan, "it's just a _little_ embarrassing."

Beomgyu's lips split into an amused smile, eyebrows climbing high on his forehead. " _Go on_ ," he repeats. 

Kai, clearly aware by now that Beomgyu is getting amusement from his situation, just groans again and produces to start taking off the long coat, leaving him in just the white button down and black slacks. He folds the coat and places it neatly on Beomgyu's study table, before folding up the sleeves of his dress shirt and squaring his shoulder, exhaling heavily. Kai ruffles her hair, half a display of exasperation and half and attempt to keep it under control, before he takes another breath, dips down into a bow, tucks one arm behind his back and extends the other towards Beomgyu.

"Hyung," he asks, voice audibly nervous, "may I have this dance?"

Beomgyu's heart stutters in his chest, but his lips spread into a wide grin. He tries his best to usher the butterflies out of his stomach in favour of a some snarky retort, but the rapid beating of his heart makes it a little (read: very) difficult. His cheeks are warm again, a staple when Kai is around, but there's a distinct sense of joy flooding his senses. Everything looks rose coloured, especially Kai in his fancy clothes with his nervous eyes and outstretched arm.

"Awe, you got all nervous just to a-ask me to dance, Kai-yah?" He teases, wincing as he stutters through his words.

Kai rolls his eyes, "hyung," he whines, shaking his outstretched arm around a little.

Beomgyu giggles, pushing himself off the bed and standing in front of Kai. "It would be an honour," he says, mimicking a curtsy.

Kai breaks out into a grin, large and genuine. He takes Beomgyu's hands in his own, placing one over his shoulder and keeping the other in his grasp, the other hand slips down to wrap around Beomgyu's waist. Kai's hands are big and warm as always, Beomgyu feels like their engulfing him whole. Kai steps back and pulls Beomgyu forward in tandem, they step into a mess of a rhythm, tripping over each others feet and giggling uncontrollably. They fall into a better rhythm soon enough, swaying and moving in time with each other, holding each other close, chest to chest. Kai's eyes are on Beomgyu, he can feel the gaze burning into his skull. Beomgyu keeps his eyes closed, breathing Kai in.

"Some music would help don't you think," Beomgyu mumbles against Kai's chest.

Kai shrugs, "didn't think I'd get this far honestly, music was not the priority."

Beomgyu giggles, finally opening his eyes and meeting Kai's gaze. He regrets it almost instantly. Kai's looking down at him like he's the whole word, eyes unbearably soft, lips spread into a small, painfully genuine smile. He's beautiful up close, Beomgyu can count every eyelash, every curve on his nose, every tiny acne scar, every crease on his lips, every star in his deep, dark, eyes. Beomgyu falls into him, unable to look away, and before he knows what he's doing his hands are on Kai's cheeks, caressing smooth skin with the pads of his thumbs. Kai's breath hitches at the movement, hand grasping a little harder on Beomgyu's waist as he places the other on top of Beomgyu's, a juxtaposition between softness and desperation that Beomgyu hasn't seen on Kai before.

Kai intertwines their fingers over his cheek, eyes fluttering shut as he brings Beomgyu's hand to his lips, soft lips grazing his knuckles. Beomgyu's heart hammers in his chest as he watches the younger boy. He feels like he's in a haze, everything but Kai is wrapped in cellophane, blurry, unclear. Beomgyu's mind a snarl of _Kai, Kai, Kai, Kai, Kai, Kai, Kai._ The younger boy moves from knuckle to _knuckle,_ planting light kisses on each as he goes, and once he's done with Beomgyu's first hand he takes the other, repeating the process again. Beomgyu's heart is beating so hard and so fast in his chest that he fears its seconds away from bursting straight out of his chest.

Reality gnaws at the back of Beomgyu's head. They shouldn't be doing this, him and Kai, _can't_ be doing this. Beomgyu can't risk everything his worked for, not even for Kai, not for anything. Not when so much is on the line - not just for him either, but for all of them, Kai included. Beomgyu knows this. He knows it so, _so_ , well. And yet, as Beomgyu draws circles into Kai's cheeks and raises himself onto his tippy toes with eyes locked with the taller boys, he doesn't stop. He inches closer and closer, pulling Kai's face down until their millimetres apart. Kai's breath fans against his lips, his hand grasping harder at his waist.

Beomgyu doesn't know who makes the final move, but suddenly Kai's lips are on his.

Usually Beomgyu prefers soft kisses, something slow and sensual, drawn out and built up as it proceeds. This isn't that. Kai kisses like a starved man, pillow soft lips devouring Beomgyu's in a growl. His hands find purchase on Beomgyu's hips, firm in their grasp, just strong enough to not leave a bruise. There's nothing soft about this kiss, it's hard and fast and _desperate_. Kai is a beast, he pulls everything out of Beomgyu, making his knees weak and his head spin, his hands thrashing to grasp Kai's broad shoulders for support. Kai's arms move to wrap around Beomgyu's waist, pulling him impossibly closer and keeping him from crumbling to the ground. Beomgyu gasps and Kai takes it as an opportunity to deepen the kiss, tongue dipping into Beomgyu's mouth. Kai's a good kisser, sharp and precise and yet rough and strong, no teeth clashing against teeth, no sign of inexperience, and yet it's exciting and exhilarating and _new_. Kai kisses like he's been waiting to for ages, and like he doesn't know if he's going to be able to again.

Beomgyu's knees buckle and in seconds he finds himself getting gently pushed onto his bed, lips still attached to Kai's. Kai's on top of him, between his legs, his hands grab Beomgyu's, intertwining their fingers and pushing them up beside his head, caging the older boy in. Kai's strong, arms built from years of drums and basketball, they pin Beomgyu down with just the right amount of force, not hard enough to hurt, but firm enough to make his breath hitch. Kai breaks apart for a single breath, before dipping back down again, kissing Beomgyu with renewed vigour. Beomgyu feels hot all over, as he moves his legs to wrap around Kai's waist and tightens his grip on the younger's fingers. He whines and keens as Kai continues to kiss him harder and harder, Kai swallows them up hungrily as they come, growling and nipping at Beomgyu's lips.

Beomgyu hasn't been kissed like this for a while, usually limiting himself to lazy, drunk kisses at parties that feel nice, sure, but don't do much more. Kai, however, sucks the breath out of him, leaves Beomgyu gasping and panting and desperate for more as he breaks the kiss only to trail more kisses down the older's jaw. Beomgyu's head falls back against the mattress, eyes fluttering shut as the sensation of Kai mouthing at his jaw washes over him, warm lips sucking in and letting go of Beomgyu's skin with light smacks followed by sharp inhales. Beomgyu gasps, tilting his head to the side giving Kai better access. Kai trails kisses down Beomgyu's jaw and onto his neck. He sucks down hard on the juncture between Beomgyu's neck and shoulder, hard enough to mark. Beomgyu arches his back, engrossed in the please, almost arching off the bed as lets out a gasp of the younger's name.

_"K-Kai-yah!"_

The spell breaks in an instant.

Kai nearly flies across the room, back hitting Jaehyuk's bed as he rushes to make space between the two of them. Beomgyu gets up just as fast, pushing himself back until his back is pressed up against the wall. His heart hammers in his chest, but not in the same way it was before. The world, pink just seconds ago, flashes an angry, violent, dangerous red, mixed with a nauseous, evil shade of green, they climb over each other settling into an unflattering contrast of two opposing shades, Beomgyu feels like throwing up. Kai looks completely out of, hair a mess and lips slick with spit and bitten raw, but his eyes are wide and alarmed, looking just as scared as Beomgyu feels, panic spilling through the sides. 

They sit there in deafening silence, unmoving, unable to look away. 

Then Kai chokes out a "I'm so sorry, hyung" and the door to Beomgyu's dorm slams shut behind him.

  


  


  


  


  


  


In retrospect, Beomgyu figures this has always been coming.

Kai and him have never been exactly _platonic_ , constantly toeing the line between very good friends and so, so much more. Their entire friendship so far has comprised of smirks and winks and flushed cheeks. Beomgyu is a serial under-sharer, meaning he keeps almost everything to himself almost all the time, until things reach a boiling point and spill and overflow with such intensity that Beomgyu can no longer will them inside. This is what happens with Kai and Beomgyu, feelings that have been pushed too far inside for far too long erupting out of them like volcanoes, red, hot, and angry.

It's not either of their faults either, Beomgyu knows this, or, well, it's both of theirs. Beomgyu has always made his stance on dating within the band clear, in that it shouldn't happen under any and all circumstances, especially not with him in the mix. On the other hand, Beomgyu wears his heart on his sleeve, and so does Kai. They're both open books, and while Beomgyu tries - and fails - to keep his feelings inside, Kai makes no such attempts. They've always known, both of them, that feelings much stronger than platonic have brewed and been brewing between them, so once again, in retrospect, this has always been coming. 

It doesn't make dealing with what they did any easier.

They don't talk about it when they meet at practice the next day, just give each other tense smiles and continue playing. They're both out of their element today, Kai's holding onto his drumsticks far too hard, putting too much strength into his strikes. The sound that comes out is loud and angry, and not in a good, punk rock sort of way. Beomgyu is more hesitant, fingers tripping over his strings in a way that they haven't for years. On top of that he's hot, so, so, hot, but he can't take off his turtleneck in danger of one of his band members seeing the hickey Kai'd left on his neck. It's bruised nicely, dark and red on Beomgyu's skin, a constant reminder of the day before. Beomgyu feels like throwing up every time he sees it in the mirror.

Kai looks like he wants to talk, Beomgyu doesn't. He avoids the younger boy like he's made of fire, hot to the touch, if Beomgyu get's too close he'll burn. Unfortunately, this is too close to the truth for Beomgyu's liking. It's evident that something is going on between the two of them, the glances missed and caught, the irritation on both their parts, the lack of usual flawlessness on their instruments. As a result, they end practice early that day, the rest of the band shooting the two of them worried looks. The tension is palpable, and it hangs in the air like lead. Everyone can tell something has gone very wrong, and it's only making everything so much _worse_. 

It's exactly what Beomgyu had feared.

"Dude," Ryujin says, "what the fuck did you guys do?"

Her and Jeongin are standing at Beomgyu's door, and while he's a fair bit taller than both of them, under their sharp gazes and strong frowns, Beomgyu can't help but feel small. Ryujin's always been intimidating despite her height, especially when she's like this, arms crossed against her chest and feet planted firmly on the ground, stance similar to that of a video game character prepared to fight. Jeongin is a little more jarring, he doesn't usually get angry, so seeing his face twisted up in confusion and worry and frustration all at once is like jabbing a spear through Beomgyu's stomach. He looks worried and angry at the same time, a juxtaposition of emotions that Beomgyu fears above all else, as if he's about to say _"I'm not mad, just disappointed"_ any second now, five words that Beomgyu perhaps despises more than he does tomatoes. 

"Something bad," Boemgyu chokes out in reply, he can feel the tears pricking at his eyes, "we did something bad."

The switch flips in an instance. Their faces go from angry to worried, and in seconds Beomgyu feels Jeongin’s arms wrapped up around his middle. Ryujin shoots Jaehyuk - who's been watching this whole time with worried eyes - a glare, and he quickly shuffles out of the room, mumbling something about how _it wasn't like he had a project due the next day or anything like that_. When the door shuts behind him, Ryujin faces Beomgyu again, the fire in her eyes melting into something sad and different that Beomgyu hasn't seen before. He fears that it's pity, and hopes desperately that it isn't.

Jeongin's arms guide him to the bed and Beomgyu promptly takes a seat, pulling his legs to his chest and making himself as small as he possibly can. The tears have left his eyes, Beomgyu can taste them as he bites down on his bottom lip. Jeongin and Ryujin take a seat next to him, occupying both sides and the bed. Jeongin places a comforting hand on his back and Ryujin offers him a bottle of water. He grabs at it, takes a big gulp, and then exhales a shaky breath.

"So," Jeongin asks, voice careful this time, "what happened?"

Beomgyu takes a deep breath, trying his best to force his breathing to stabilize. Ryujin's hand squeezes his and Beomgyu feels a bit better, it feels like he'd floated up to the cosmos with Kai, and now his best friends are pulling him back to earth, so kind and so sweet and so, _so_ good to him. Beomgyu takes another heavy gulp of water, and tells them everything. The words lie heavy and bitter on his tongue, and he twists his hands together hard enough to bruise and slip out of his mouth like snakes ready to devour him whole.

"Uh, and, th-then he, well, he kissed me," Beomgyu says, voice shaky, "and I kissed him back, and uh, yeah."

"Judging by that hickey you've got there it was a lot more than kissing-"

"Jeongin!"

"Sorry, I couldn't help it!"

Beomgyu chuckles, it feels better, he feels better, after telling them what exactly went down. It also feels good that they aren't angry or upset, instead they both look kind of relieved, as if they were expecting far, far worse. Ryujin exhales heavily, after whacking the back of Jeongin's head with a stray textbook, and turns towards Beomgyu once again. "Honestly, we all sort of saw this coming," she said, "it's really always only been a matter of time."

"Uh huh," Jeongin says, running comforting lines up and down Beomgyu's back, "really right from his band tryout the sexual tension has been palpable."

Beomgyu laughs weakly, humming in agreement. "It's just," Beomgyu sighs, burying his face in his legs, "I just, I can't do this, I'm not _allowed_ to do this."

"Not allowed according to whom?" Ryujin asks, "Us? Because I promise you none of us will be upset if you and Kai date."

"The opposite actually," Jeongin says, "it'll finally get rid of all that tension you guy carry around with you guys."

"Not, it's just," Beomgyu groans, something deep and upset and from the depth of his psyche, "I know, technically, that there's nothing wrong with it, and that you guys won't hate us for it or anything like that," he says, "but what if - what if we break up? And things end badly? Then everything we've worked on for the band, it's all gone - you can't have a band where two of the members hate each other! It'll ruin the entire dynamic and - and you guys _know_ how important the dynamic is in a band!"

Ryujin and Jeongin exchange a glance, before letting out a matching set of sighs, something low and exasperated, as if they saw this coming. Ryujin mumbles something about Pisces males that receives a scoff from Jeongin, as well as a subsequent smack on the head (Ryujin uses the same textbook as before). Ryujin sighs, squeezing Beomgyu's shoulders once again. "Look, Gyu," she says, voice even and grounded, "the band, it means everything in the world to me - and I know that you're exactly the same." Beomgyu lets out a stiff nod. Ryujin echoes the motion, "but," she says, "you can't make good music if you lock away your thoughts and feelings and emotions, which is what you're doing right now." She pauses to take a deep breath, "I know you're worried about what's going to happen if things go downhill, but they're pretty down right now right? And it can only go up from here."

"B-but this," Beomgyu says, gesturing at everything, "this was just-just a _kiss_ , this is a fixable. A bad break up? Not nearly as easy."

"Beomgyu," Jeongin says, "you're talking about something that hasn't even happened like it's going to tear everything apart. It hasn't happened yet, and we don't know if it will at all - I'm not saying I know for a fact that if you and Kai date you won't break up, or date you guys are going to get married and live happy ever after, but, you're both _such_ good people, Gyu, and I know you care for each other as more than just potential romantic partners. If things end badly you'll figure them out, but not giving things a chance at all, may just make it so much worse."

"You like him," Ryujin states, there's no question in her voice, "and actively denying that is, well, it's hurting you."

"Yeah," Beomgyu murmurs, eyebrows knotting and lips pursing into a pout, "yeah, yeah, I know, but-"

"But nothing," Jeongin says, "you guys have kept this thing going long enough," he pats Beomgyu's head, "at the very least, it's worth a shot."

  


  


  


  


  


  


As it turns out, they don't.

Give it a shot, that is. 

Beomgyu wants to, wants to call Kai and ask him to meet and tell him _everything_. But then 2 days after it happens, before Beomgyu had any time to say or do anything anything, Kai was at his door again, eyes red-rimmed and desperate, begging him to forget what had happened so they could just go back to being normal again. _"It's only been 2 days and I miss you already, Hyung,"_ he'd said, _"so can we please, please, please, go back to normal, I'm so sorry th-the kiss happened, I promise it won't happen again!"_

Beomgyu had stood there stunned, heart seizing up in his chest desperate to get the words out of his mouth. Desperate to tell Kai that no, he doesn't want to forget the kiss, he enjoyed it and he knew Kai did too, he like's Kai and he know's Kai likes him back, he _wants_ Kai, in every sense of the word, and hope deeply that Kai wants him too. But the words refuse to come out, they sit there, lodged in his throat, large and heavy like a pill that hasn't gone down yet. He wants to cough it up, straight into Kai's face, make the younger take some responsibility for making Beomgyu feel this way because _god_ , does _this way_ hurt. Beomgyu says this instead:

"Of course, Kai-yah, I missed you too."

They hadn't hugged or anything, but Kai had broken into one of his smiles. Not as big as usual, but genuine and relieved nonetheless, Beomgyu remembers reaching up to ruffle Kai's hair and Kai nuzzling into his hand subconsciously, before pulling away with a cough.

"But," Kai had asked, voice 10 times more nervous than before, "I-I liked the, uh, the kiss."

Beomgyu remembers turning warm despite the mess of emotions in his stomach. "I-I did too."

"A-and, I want to keep doing it, if it's alright with you - it doesn't have to mean anything, just, I enjoyed it and I know you enjoyed it too, and it can just be a no strings attached sort of thing just dudes being dudes and making out from time to time and, fuck, why did I say that-"

"Kai-yah, you're rambling again."

Kai had blinked, before chuckling awkwardly and saying, "sorry about that, but - _fuck_ \- but, what do you say, Hyung-ah?"

Beomgyu hadn't know what _to_ say. The proposition sitting heavily between them, oh so alluring in what it entails. It lured Beomgyu in, prettily promising kisses and intimacy and potential affection, although something in the back of Beomgyu's head reminded him that it promised kisses, intimacy, affection and absolutely nothing more. Beomgyu wanted more, still wants it, so deeply that it hurts. But at that moment he'd decided that he'd rather have some of Kai than none of him at all.

"Okay," Beomgyu had said, "I'd like that."

"Yeah?" Kai asked, something doubtful and disbelieving gnawing at his voice, "I mean are you sure, I really don't wanna pressure you or anything-"

"No, Kai-yah, I meant it. I-I want that too."

Beomgyu had smiled at him, willing away the tears that were collecting in the back of his eyelids. He wasn't going to cry, not till the younger boy was gone. Kai had stared him down, a cocktail of emotions in his eyes that Beomgyu couldn't begin to decipher then and can't now either, before he quickly drew his eyes to his watch and told Beomgyu that he needs to go, before pausing, hesitantly squeezing Beomgyu's hands, and running off as he waved Beomgyu goodbye. When Kai was in the elevator and out of Beomgyu's sight, he'd collapses against the doorframe and broken into tears. When Jaehyuk came home later that day to find Beomgyu asleep at 7:30 on the floor, tear stains running down his face and hair disheveled. Once Jaehyuk had woken him up Beomgyu told him everything, cried some more - this time into Jaehyuk's arms because _holy fuck_ is the guy a good hugger - and then went down to get dinner with the guy, heart still sad and mourning, posture still slumped. 

Beomgyu and Kai get back to normal alarmingly fast. 2 more days and they're completely okay, Kai is making impromptu visits to the record store, Beomgyu is patting his head and rubbing his belly. They're back to normal, more or less, kind of. They're joking and bickering and making fun of each other again, just like before, but there's more now, a whole other layer to their relationship that Beomgyu hasn't experienced before, and it takes over him like a spell from a Harry Potter movie.

Kai always kisses with the same intensity, dark and hungry and longing for more. Kai also kisses out of the blue, dragging him out of practice till they're in the bathroom and sitting Beomgyu on his lap and grabbing at his waist as bites at his lips. Or pulling Beomgyu to the corner of the record store in the middle of work, pushing him up against a shelf, and leaving him breathless just as a new customer walks in through the doors. Or showing up at Beomgyu's dorm after a particularly bad day and hovering over him on the bed, Beomgyu's legs wrapped around his waist in a vice grip, Kai's lips warm and wanting on his neck. He never stutters, never falters, not a trace of nervousness to be seen, not even the first time he does it. Kissing Kai never gets old and yet grows to feel familiar, always makes Beomgyu feel like he's on fire, always makes everything but Kai melt away. In those moments, there is nothing but Kai. Kai and his strong arms on his waist and his soft lips against his own, it makes Beomgyu feel small and dizzy, and completely out of control.

It feels nice, _so, so, nice,_ but Beomgyu has yet to decide whether or not it feels _good_.

Beomgu tells Jeongin the day after Kai makes the proposition. Jeongin calls him an idiot but tells him to do what he has to do, and Beomgyu does. He takes as much as Kai gives him, and gives as much as Kai takes. It feels like they're knotted against each other, two strings tied together so tightly that Beomgyu couldn't pull them apart if he tried. 

Beomgyu likes it, he likes it a lot, and a lot more than he probably should. But the constant longing for _more_ always sits heavily on Beomgyu's head, like an animal that's taken dominion over his scalp, scratching and hissing at his skin. It's a persistent thought, dipping into his thoughts both when Kai is kissing him and when they're just together, tuning instruments or talking about their day. The thought eats at Beomgyu, reminds him that there's more to be had and yet the chances of him having any of it are slim, if not none. Beomgyu is a pessimistic person by nature, yes he's loud and fun and extroverted, but that's a surface level aspect of his personality, and you barely need to scratch the surface to see the layers and layers of negativity and insecurity and self doubt just waiting to rise to the surface.

It boils down to a couple of thoughts, the first - and worst - of which is that now, Beomgyu isn't really certain whether or not Kai feels anything romantic for him at all. Of course the attraction is still there, they wouldn't be making out as much as they do if it wasn't. But Beomgyu, with all of his mounting feelings for Kai, couldn't have asked him to do, for lack of better words, "a friends with benefits kinda thing" with him. Maybe the first kiss told Kai all that he had to know, that Kai didn't want anything more with Beomgyu, but kissing him was fun, so they might as well do a little more of that before Kai finds someone he really, genuinely likes and wants a relationship with. 

The second thought, which hurts so much more when piled on top of the first, is that Beomgyu knows he's attractive. He's always been told he's pretty, has this mix of feminine and masculine features that have most people vying for him - big eyes and full lips juxtaposed against a sharp jawline and a straight nose, his tall height alongside his slim body and small waist, a mix of things most people want to take a bite out of. A devastating voice in the back of his head whispers that Kai just thinks he's pretty and wants nothing more from him than that.

It's an unfair thought. Beomgyu knows Kai, knows that Kai wouldn't do that to him, wouldn't do that to anyone. Knows that Kai is sweet and kind and so, _so_ , good - but the thought is incessant, makes Beomgyu want to curl into a ball and disappear, makes him want to yell at Kai until his voice is hoarse and his eyes are red.

  


  


  


  


  


  


Beomgyu's picks up morning shifts at the Record Store on Sundays, which means that very often he's following in Hoseok's footsteps and showing up to work hungover and with a headache that feels like it's going to split his head in half. Luckily, Jisoo works on weekends, and she welcomes Beomgyu every morning with a hangover cure that rivals Jaehyuk's, and also this vegan banana bread she makes that makes Beomgyu consider giving up meat - unlike Hoseok, who would've welcomed him with laughter (at his expense), and probably a _"you should've learned from me to not drink so much"_ \- look, the partying helps. He's early into his second year now, and just as he'd been told college life got progressively harder - 2 months into his second year and Beomgyu wants to drop out more than ever. At least with Jisoo he can party and not then get patronized about it by a hypocrite with a hangover. 

"Jesus," Jisoo says, when Beomgyu walks into the store the next morning, "what animal attacked _you_ in your sleep."

"What?" Beomgyu asks, all he remembers from the night before is a raging college party, making out with Kai in the back of some frat house and - fuck, he forgot a scarf.

With second year, comes Kai, hurtling back into Beomgyu’s life with the same forces as he has in high school. September has passed and the fall colours are slowly turning barren, with that comes Kai, back into Beomgyu's educational spheres. He's just a building over, lucky enough to room with that best friend of his, Kang Taehyun. He's immediately the talk of the campus, Beomgyu supposes it's to be expected, Kai comes with this infectious energy and damming smile that has too many people approaching Beomgyu with questions like _"hey how do you know that hot freshman from the music education department?"_ Beomgyu usually just laughs awkwardly - there aren't too many other ways of saying _"uh, he had his tongue down my throat last night, why do you ask?"_

Beomgyu groans, running towards Jisoo where she's already sitting, compact mirror held out. "Fuck, how bad is it?" He asks, ducking down to look into the mirror. "Jesus fucking christ," he mumbles exasperatedly under his breath, "goddamnit Kai!"

Jisoo was right when she asked which animal had attacked him. Kai has mauled his neck, the length of skin covered in splotches of dark purple and alluring red, prominent against his skin. There are more than he can count - okay maybe that's an exaggeration, but Beomgyu can make out that there are _at least_ a solid 12 and he hasn't gotten a look at his nape yet. On top of this, Beomgyu in a hangover fuelled haze, has decided to wear an oversized flannel shirt that hangs far, far too low on his neck. He can see everything, the myriad of marks littered across his collar bones, the bright red hickey on the juncture of his neck, the purple bruise against his jaw.

"I take it you had a good night," Jisoo chuckles, eyes twinkling with amusement.

"Shut up," Beomgyu groans, "Noona," he adds in respectfully.

Jisoo chuckles, reaching into her bag and pulling out a black infinity scarf, "it's a little too warm for this but it should get the job done," she says handing it over, "I don't want our customers wondering why you looked like you got mauled by either a bear or a very horny college student." Beomgyu grabs the scarf with thankful eyes, button his shirt up till the very top - something he hasn't done maybe ever - and slipping the scarf around his neck. The shirt still hangs far too low on his frame with how big it is, but the scarf covers pretty much everything but the mark on his jaw, and he can probably cover that up as a bug bite. The scarf is far too hot for the weather outside, not exactly hot but nowhere cold enough for a woollen scarf just yet, but Beomgyu's current priority is making sure he doesn't scare any potential customers with how he looks.

"Thank god you're the mom friend," he says, taking a last look in the mirror and sighing as he collapses against a shelf, "goddamnit, I'm going to kill Kai."

"Have fun with that," Jisoo says, "hangover juice?" She offers, reaching into her bag and pulling out a glass bottle.

"You're an angel," Beomgyu answers, making grabby hands at the bottle and taking a long gulp the second Jisoo hands it over, "and so much more helpful than Hoseok Hyung."

"Don't let him hear that, he'll make Yoongi fail you," Jisoo chuckles, taking the bottle back and taking a swig herself. The liquid is bitter and tastes like leaves Beomgyu isn't sure are edible, but the effect is almost instantaneous. 

"Let him try, Yoongi Hyung likes me," Beomgyu asks, fidgeting with the scarf, "anything new come in yet."

"We're supposed to get a new shipment of those vintage records Lee Hyun-Ssi wanted - you'll be excited to know we're getting tonnes of Bowie."

"Fuck yea," Beomgyu cheers, before wincing as a sharp pain stabs his head, "nope, nope, just fuck."

"Calm, Beom," Jisoo chuckles, "it's hangover juice, not magic."

“Yes, yes.”

Work continues as usual, and while Beomgyu does get a few strange looks for the thick scarf around his neck (a particularly suspicious middle schooler seams fair sure that he's a vampire and is using the scarf to cover up the bite that turned him), but by 12 Beomgyu's shift is over and his free to head home. Instead of taking his usual route, Beomgyu stops a block early. Marches up the stairs in an angry fit, Jisoo's scarf still wrapped around his overheated neck, and then bangs on Kai's door with aggressive fits. 

After a couple seconds of angry knocking, Kang Taehyun opens the door.

Taehyun opens the door with a disgruntled frown, looking surprised to see Beomgyu standing there. He's a couple inches shorter than Beomgyu is, but he stands taller and straighter, plus he's considerably broader than Beomgyu, so Beomgyu feels smaller than him more often than not. "Beomgyu-ssi?" Taehyun asks, holding the door open and letting the older boy in, "what are you doing here - also why are you wearing a scarf you look like you're going to get a heat stroke."

Beomgyu's only really known Taehyun for a little over a month now, ever since the younger boy started his first term at SNU. Well, he's actually known the guy since senior year, because they worked close to each other, and technically it's been even longer than that since they attended the same high school, but he'd never really talked to the guy until him and Kai moved into the dorms together. He's a sweet guy, a little snarky and a lot sassy in a way that Beomgyu has fun with - especially when it's at Kai's expense. He's also very intimidating, attempting this insane double major in Physics and Theatre.

He's also one of the few people who knows about Beomgyu and Kai's little arrangement.

They've only really told one person each - Jeongin for Beomgyu and Taehyun for Kai, although Beomgyu has a sneaking suspicion that Jeongin has told Ryujin. Either way, to their own merit, Kai and Beomgyu have done a pretty damn good job at hiding their, well, arrangement. Most people seem to think that they're just really good friends - most of the band included - who're just a _little_ flirty with each other, but really nothing more than that.

Beomgyu groans, stepping into Kai and Taehyun's dorm and seeing that it's not much cooler than the rest of the building. "Yeah, I think I'm melting," he says.

"Take off the extremely thick, black woollen scarf then?" Taehyun deadpans, flopping onto his bed as Beomgyu drags his feet to Kai's desk chair.

"Yeah, okay, just," Beomgyu stutters and then sighs, "fuck it," he groans, slipping the scarf off from around his neck. He shoots Taehyun a glare, as if trying to say "don't say a word". Taehyun, being Taehyun, doesn't do that. His eyes widen, comically gleeful as he takes Beomgyu's appearance in, lips spreading into a delighted and thoroughly amused grin. Maybe Kang Taehyun is a sadist, he clearly like seeing Beomgyu mauled up and suffering.

"Jesus," Taehyun says, "what happened to you?" 

"Mosquito bites," Beomgyu lies simply.

"Right," Taehyun says knowingly, "well, you're Mosquito's out picking up lunch right now, he should be back any minute."

"Good," Beomgyu says, "I'm going to kill him."

"Do you want me to call and ask him to pick up some food for you too, or-"

Just then the door knob turns, and Kai Kamal Huening slips through the door, hands holding 2 plastic bags full of what looks like McDonalds. "Hey Hyun-ah," he says closing the door behind him, he still hasn't noticed Beomgyu on his desk chair, "I know you wanted BK but the closest Burger King is further away than the closest McDonalds so I got us some Mickey D's instead and - Beomgyu Hyung?" Kai's eyes widen as they see him, and Beomgyu notices them train eyes up and down his neck and all the marks Kai has left there in a way that is _less_ -than-subtle. Beomgyu doesn't say anything, just fixes him with a glare that makes Kai squirm from where he's standing, switching his balance from foot to foot nervously.

"Hi?" Kai says, clearly picking up on Beomgyu's less than friendly aura.

"Oh, Mosquito, you're back," Taehyun says with a grin. 

"What?"

A heavy silence falls in the room. Beomgyu keeps his eyes on Kai, making himself look as angry as possible. Kai gulps visibly, worried eyes flipping from Beomgyu to Taehyun and then back to Beomgyu at rapid speed. Taehyun looks amused, albeit a little nervous, more out of fear for himself than anything else. He clears his throat. "On a scale of one to 10," Taehyun asks, "how likely is it that you guys are going to jump each other in the next 15 minutes?"

"0," Beomgyu says simply, while Kai responds at the exact same time with, "a solid 8."

Taehyun blinks. "I-I'm just going to go, you 2 have fun, I'll be at Jisung's," He grabs a plastic bag from Kai’s hands on the way out, "Beomgyu-Ssi please don't kill my roommate."

"No promises."

With that, it's just Beomgyu and Kai, left alone in the younger boys dorm. Beomgyu's been here before multiple times, usually he's pushed down against Kai's bed doing god knows what. Ever since Kai moved into the dorms the frequency of their, well, sessions has gone up as well - which is why Beomgyu's been in this room a solid 15 times or so even though Kai only moved in a month and a half back. However, never before has Beomgyu yelled at Kai in this room. He doesn't yell at Kai often, barely ever has reason, doesn't get angry much in general - right now, he could kill.

"So," Kai says, dragging the word till it trails off, "what did I do?"

"What do you do?" Beomgyu asks, " _what did you do_?" he repeats, this time louder and harsher, in a second Beomgyu's hands have unfastened the top two bottoms of his shirt and his face has squeezed into a scowl, "look at me, Kai! I look like I was attacked! Today when I walked into the store Jisoo Noona asked me which animal had attacked me in my sleep - and I agree! I look like I was mauled by a bear! A bear, Kai! Jesus Christ- are you even listening to me?" Kai's eyes are glazed over, glued on the area under Beomgyu's chin and above his chest. His cheeks are flushed and tips of his ears are bright red and, fuck, Beomgyu knows this look.

"Nuh-uh," he says, "you are _not_ allowed to get horny when I'm yelling at you, Kai Kamal Huening- _aaaah_!!"

In a second Beomgyu is hoisted up and pulled flush onto Kai's lap and against his chest. Kai is still in a daze, but his eyes have moved up to Beomgyu's face. He reaches out a hand to push Beomgyu's stray hairs away from his face, and while Beomgyu tries his level best to keep his face curled into a scowl, it's always hard when Kai's looking at him like this. When the hunger from Kai's face turns into what Beomgyu can only describe as longing. Nevertheless, Beomgyu is getting ready to open his mouth and spit some mean remark - but Kai beats him to it.

"You look so pretty, Hyung-ah," he says, breathlessly.

And just like that, any fight left in Beomgyu fades into a whimper. 

"So, so pretty," Kai says again, he places his hands on Beomgyu's waist and dips his head down to kiss at the hickey he'd left on the older boys neck. Beomgyu inhales sharply, "n-no more marks, Kai-yah," he whispers. Kai just hums against his neck, moving down to gently kiss another mark. Kai kisses each and every mark he left, mouthing his way down to Beomgyu's collarbones and then up to his jaw and the area under his ears, his hands remain firmly planted on Beomgyu's waist, fingers digging into the skin just as they were last night. At this point Beomgyu feels like Kai's touch is engraved on there, a constant under the hem of Beomgyu's trousers and the pads of Kai's fingers. Beomgyu's own arms go up to clutch at Kai's shoulders, holding on tightly for support.

Kai is almost never like this. Soft and gentle and delicate, handling Beomgyu with so much care, as if he's made of china. It pulls something whiny and needy out of Beomgyu, baring his neck and letting out sharp breath after sharp breath and whimper after whimper. Kai remains gentle, and after he's done kissing every single mark he'd left on Beomgyu, he moves up to capture his lips. The kid is soft and chaste, yet so deeply intense that Beomgyu has to grasp onto Kai a little harder, just to keep himself from floating away. There's no urgency, no tongue, and yet Beomgyu still feels like Kai's setting him on fire. 

They pull apart gently, breathing heavily against each others faces.

"I-I was supposed to yell at you, you know?" Beomgyu huffs, "not make out with you."

"I couldn't help it," Kai whines, "seeing you all, uh, marked up," he gulps, "it was just really _, really_ sexy."

Beomgyu is hot in the face, and probably very red. Just as red as Kai, who quickly buries his face into Beomgyu's neck after his confession. Even the back of his neck is bright red, and Beomgyu wants to laugh but he's really no different from Kai, flushed warm and probably crimson. Kai pulls away and places another quick peck against Beomgyu's neck. "I-It made it seam like you were mine for a moment there," he says, softly, and then his eyes quickly meet Beomgyu's in alarm, clearly not expecting those words to come out of his mouth. Beomgyu is taken aback too, he can feel his eyes widening and his mouth going slack.

It's moments like these, rare and always sudden honestly and surprising tenderness, that makes Beomgyu hope for more. That makes Beomgyu think that maybe Kai has genuinely truly liked him all this time, and that they're only where they are right now after almost two years of bad communication and messy emotion.

It's moments like these, rare and always sudden honestly and surprising tenderness, that makes Beomgyu hope for more. That makes Beomgyu think that maybe Kai has genuinely truly liked him all this time, and that they're only where they are right now after almost two years of bad communication and messy emotion.

Kai clears his throat, "wanna share some fries?" he asks, angling his eyes towards the plastic McDonald's bag lying on Taehyun's bed. Beomgyu raises a brow, "you're going to have to let go of me first," he says, tapping Kai's hands from where they're still holding on tightly to his waist. Kai's eyes flash something dark. "I don't know," he says, squeezing his fingers on Beomgyu and lips curling into a smirk, "maybe I wanna eat like this."

Beomgyu whacks the younger boy with the flat of his palm and climbs off Kais' lap.

Kai pouts, a whine of " _hyuuuung_ " spilling out of his spit-slicked lips.

  


  


  


  


  


  


Along with all of this, band activities in crease. With Kai done with his senior year and all of them back in the same place again, Chaeryeong starts hunting out jampads for practice and bars for performances. It's a start, but it's leaps and bounds above where they were a year ago. They become regulars at a small but fairly popular jazz bar near campus, to the point where other students start to recognise them based on their appearances on that stage. Chaeryeong, genius that she is, seeks out open mics and competitions for them, and while nothing huge has happened yet - no record label possibility, or touring offers - but they're getting to perform. Beomgyu loves to perform.

Beomgyu has always felt most alive with his fingers running through rough strings and ears ringing with melodies. He feels even more alive when it's on a stage, all miked up with a group of excited college students and local indie teens much cooler than Beomgyu was at their age, watching and cheering them on.

This is where Beomgyu finds himself one friday night, talking to the dudes who do tech at Lionheart Bar - run by an ex-song writing teacher named Kim Taeyeon who Beomgyu's a little obsessed with - with Chaeryeong. Near him, Beomgyu and Jeongin are tuning their instruments, Chenle is running through some vocal exercises, and Kai is drumming away on his thigh, sticks coming down light and fast on the denim clad surface. Beomgyu, having just finished tuning his own guitar, is helping Chaeryeong explain the audio and mic settings they need while they perform to the kid manning the tech, a different guy from the usual - a university senior named Mark who's the same age as Yeonjun, instead of the usual guy (a stoner named Johnny who's deals for half of SNU's student body). 

"Uh, cool cool cool, okay, got it," Mark says, holding up a thumb, "you can count on me guys, kill it out there!"

"Thanks man," Beomgyu says with a grin, as Chaeryeong shakes the guy's hand with a smile. Mark shuffles away, looking frazzled, but shoots them a smile a _"fighting!"_ nevertheless. They've performed at Lionheart almost 10 times already, it's the gig Beomgyu is most thankful for, and also the one that brings him the most joy - say nothing of the fact that Chenle's friend Na Jaemin works as a bartender there and gets them free drinks once they're done with their performances.

Beomgyu's familiar with the place now, the dim yellow lighting, the plush red chairs, the smell of red wine and spices that Beomgyu loves. While all of the preliminarily rely on their part time jobs for money - and probably will for a _long time -_ things like the small sum of money they do make from performances at Lionheart, give Beomgyu hope. Hope that, yeah, his dreams are pretty damn doable, he's already _here_. 

"Okay kids," Taeyeon says, popping into the backroom with a grin, "you're up in 10, set up already?"

"Uh huh," Ryujin responds, running her hands over the strings of her bass, "just need to plug my baby in."

Taeyeon responds with a chuckle, "Chenle vocal mic is all set up, and the amp is ready and waiting to be plugged into for the rest of you," she says, "you always do, but do me proud out there."

"Thank you Noona," Beomgyu calls out, as she leaves with a wink, "we will!"

"Okay," Chaeryeong claps, the sleeves of her too-long red and black flannel shirt brushing against each other, "I'm heading outside to double check everything, the rest of you make sure you're already, fix your hair and outfits, check your make-up, perform well!" Her voice cuts off as she slams the door to the backroom shut behind her. Beomgyu finds a mirror, picking at his hair. It's grown awfully long, the dark curls falling over his eyebrows, treading dangerously into over-the-eye territory.

He's got his eyes lined with dark liner via Chaeryeong that makes him look vaguely like a webtoon character, he kinda likes it, and he's wearing a white turtleneck, a matching pair of white doc martens, and a pair of dark jeans covered in paintings for a pop of colour that sits high on his hips (painted by Yeonjun, a birthday gift for his coming of age). He's switched out the usual small hoops that hang off his ear for something dangly he borrowed from Chenle. He looks nice. 

He hears a rustle of movement near him, and turns to see Kai standing next to him in the mirror. The younger boy still towers over him by a fair bit, it makes Beomgyu pout and Kai laugh. Kai looks devastatingly handsome, in a colourful graphic muscle tee that hangs off his broad frame and bears his arms, in typical drummer boy fashion, over a pair of ripped jeans and a pair of black combat boots, yellow and black flannel tied around his waist. Kai only dresses like this for band performances, it always makes Beomgyu gulp thickly. 

"You look good hyung," Kai whispers simply, face pushed down next to his ear.

Beomgyu punches Kai on the shoulder lightly, trying and failing to will away that all-encompassing heat that Kai always brings with him. "Shut up."

Kai doesn't respond, just grins brightly and intertwines a pinky with Beomgyu. A burst of electricity sparks up through Beomgyu's system at the touch, Kai's hand warm against him. He's always so, so, warm. Beomgyu threads the rest of their fingers and squeezes, kai squeezes back, a gesture of reassurance. "You're going to do so well, Hyung," kai whispers against the shell of his ear. Beomgyu grins, "you too," he whispers. 

"Okay, lovebirds, we gotta get stage now," Ryujin says, whacking both of them on the back of their heads - something she has to reach up to do, Beomgyu notes in glee. "Yeah, yeah," he says, with a roll of his eyes, pulling his guitar strap over his neck as the bassist does the same. Jeongin standing at the door, guitar already slung over his chest, and Beomgyu and Ryujin walk up to join him, Chenle and Kai following suit. They do a quick group cheer and then file out of the room and onto the stage. They aren't welcomed by much, just a couple claps and cheers, but it energizes Beomgyu nevertheless as they all start plugging in their instruments and work their way through mic checks.

Once they're all set up, Chenle up front at the center, with Beomgyu on his left, Jeongin and Ryujin on his right, and Kai on the drum platform behind him, they start. Beomgyu leans over into Chenle's hand mic, grinning. "Hey guys!" He starts, blinking into the lights Mark shine on them. "We're _Eternally_ and we're going to be playing a mix of covers and original songs for you today!" He grins as the small crowd in front of them lets out a cheer. "This first song is an original, it's called _Wishlist_."

Kai slaps out a 3 beat tempo, and they start to play. 

  


  


  


  


  


They've been doing this for more than half a year now, him and Kai.

Beomgyu doesn't know how long friends-with-benefit, uh, _relationships_ last, but he definitely didn't think he'd be doing this with Kai into his second year of college. Yet, Beomgyu can't imagine stopping, is too deep in whatever this is with Kai to even imagine kissing someone else. Kai's invisible grip is all over Beomgyu, grasping around his waist, cradling his face against his chest, pulling at his hair, licking into his mouth. Kai is devouring Beomgyu alive, and Beomgyu's worried that in a while he'll be nothing but that. Just a body repeating " _Kai, Kai, Kai, Kai_ ," over and over in his head and against the younger boy's lips. 

Kai is addictive, not just his lips, but everything else about him. Beomgyu like procrastinating work by going and get ice cream and procrastinate homework after band practice with Kai. Beomgyu likes sitting with Kai quietly in the library, as they both struggle to finish their weeks assignment. Beomgyu likes getting snacks from 24/7 with him once their done. Beomgyu likes making out out in the elevator on the way to his dorm as Kai drops him home - and he likes all these things equally, likes each of the same just the same, which just as much overwhelming adoration.

Ryujin likes to say that their basically a couple already - even without knowing that they're hooking up.

Well, without knowing for _sure_. Ryujin's smart as a whip, she definitely has her suspicions. 

This is what Beomgyu thinks about, wrapped up in a crop-top he's uncomfortable in and a pair of too-tight blue jeans, at a party he no longer wants to be that, after rejecting an advance from super hot, super sweet, super nice - did he mention super hot? - Junior Hwang Hyunjin. He wonders why he does it. Beomgyu can't do better than Hwang Hyunjin - Beongyu doesn't think anyone can. Maybe Beomgyu does it because he knows that Hwang Hyunjin and his rival Han Jisung have been hooking up forever and that even though Hyunjin is asking Beomgyu out, he's always going to be a little in love with the short, squirrel like boy. Maybe this is just Beomgyu projecting his own emotions onto the older boy, either way, he says no. He says no to Hwang Hyunjin - Jeongin's going to ring him up and call him crazy the next morning, he can feel it.

Beomgyu is nicely buzzed, right in the middle of his transition from tipsy to properly drunk. He'd only showed up about 30 minutes ago, gotten asked out 10 minutes ago, and then taken a bunch of shots he hadn't bothered counting. He's not fully drunk just yet, then again he just did the shots, the vodka still burning in his throats, still catching up with the rest of him. He's also kind of cold. Yeonjun had forced him into this teal turtleneck crop top, and while Beomgyu can admit he looks good in it, there's a strip of skin over his belly button that's much colder than the rest of him and he's not quite sure if it's worth the look. The alcohol does what it can to warm him up from the inside, but the strip of skin stands defiantly.

Something about alcohol makes it easier for Beomgyu to process feelings, it's like the regular hurtling avalanche shrinks till it's a ball rolling on a football field, easy to catch, easy to comprehend. So, when Drunk Beomgyu walks through the party and sees Kai at the bar, talking to some girl, he registers the sharp stab in his chest as jealousy. Sober Beomgyu would have come to the - very much correct - conclusion that they were probably friends and classmates, nothing more. But Drunk Beomgyu watches Kai talk to the girl and feels his face turn to a frown, eyebrows clenching together and lips forming a pout.

"Beomgyu-ssi," comes a familiar voice, "why are you just standing here and glaring."

"Taehyun-ah," Beomgyu slurs in response, "Kai is flirting with another girl in front of me."

The words come out unclear and garbled, tripping over each other, but Taehyun seams to get the gist. He looks at Beomgyu with amusement, and then tries to locate his best friend. He stop when he sees Kai at the bar, and sighs. "Beomgyu-ssi," he says, running a comforting hand up and down Beomgyu's back, "that's Ningning, she's Kai's classmate, she also has a girlfriend - she's in your class actually I think, she goes by Giselle or something?"

"Oh," Beomgyu says dumbly, before crossing his arms over his chest and looking away again, "still."

Taehyun rolls his eyes muttering out a " _brat_ ," before hollering out a, "Yah! Kai! Come here!"

Kai looks up from where he's at the bar, looking startled, after a bit of looking around his eyes meet Taehyun's and then process Beomgyu standing next to him. Kai lets out a "coming!", says something to Ningning that makes her giggle (and makes Beomgyu's guts twist in his body), and then makes his way over to Taehyun and Beomgyu with a big grin on his face. It's the one Beomgyu likes, granted he likes all of them, the one that spreads wide and shows off his teeth and makes him look _so_ handsome.

"Beomgyu-Hyung! Taehyun-Ah!"He says cheerily, "I was just talking to Ningni-"

"You're boyfriend's sulking," Taehyun interrupts simply, "take care of him please, I'm gonna go get a drink." With that Taehyun's off, ignoring Beomgyu's slurred _"you know I don't need a baby sitter, Hyun-ah!"_

Beomgyu pouts watching the youngers retreating figure. "Brat," he mumbles under his breath, more to himself than anyone else, "I'm an adult, you know, and here he is asking Kai to take care of me!" He can hear Kai chuckling from next to him, the sound low and rumbling, coming from deep in his chest. "Beomgyu Hyung," he says, and Beomgyu can practically see the adoration dripping from his lips as he says his name, "are you drunk."

"No," Beomgyu slurs, "you were the one at the bar not me."

"How much did you drink, Hyung-ah?"

"..."

"Gyu-Hyung?"

" _I don't know_ , like, 6 Shots?"

Kai giggles, hands reaching to hold Beomgyu's and guide him towards the outside area, "how about we get you some fresh air, huh Hyung?" He says kindly. He is kind, so kind. So kind and so sweet and so nices, takes such good care of Beomgyu, Beomgyu likes him so much. He follows the younger boy, letting Kai pull him forward, grip strong around his hands. Soon they're outside, in a big patio area with an abandoned and barely lit bonfire pit. There's only one chair, so Kai pushes him into it gently, and then kneels down next to him. It's strange, to be looking _down_ at Kai for once, it almost never happens. Kai looks at him with stars in his eyes. Beomgyu registers a half-finished bottle of bear between his fingers, and his hand reaching up to push Beomgyu's hair out of his face. The pads of his thumb are electric against Beomgyu's skin, makes him gasp out loud.

Kai smiles at him, holding his eyes. Beomgyu can't look away, can't even blink, out of fear of Kai disappearing if he dare close his eyes for even a second. 

"Hwang Hyunjin asked me out just now," slips out of Beomgyu's mouth.

Kai's eyes widen and his smile slips off his lips, Beomgyu misses it already. "Oh," he says plainly.

Beomgyu sighs, pulling his gaze away from the younger and looking up at the sky. "I rejected him you know, that's insane, someone rejecting Hwang Hyunjin - can you even imagine it?" He garbles, "Jeongin's going to kill me tomorrow morning, I can feel it - Kai-yah miss me when I'm gone."

Kai lets out a chuckle, running an appreciative hand through Beomgyu's hair.

"I don't know why I did it."

"Did what?"

"Reject him."

Beomgyu frowns, eyes trained on the sky. "It's strange," he says, "Hyunjin Hyung is probably, like, my dream guy, you know? He's probably _everyone's_ dream guy. Like, like, he's tall and so handsome, and he's so nice too, you know? When I said no he spent 30 seconds looking surprised and then reassured me that it was all okay and that he'd see me around, like, if I ever got rejected by someone in a party full of people - granted there was no one else around then but still, anyway, if I was rejected in a party full of people, I'd like, _immediately_ run away."

Beomgu sighs, dipping his head back. It feels like it falls triple the distance it needs to, that's probably because of the haze of alcohol that surrounds him. "I wasn't even drunk when I did it, you know, I just said no," he sighs, "i think I know why."

"Why, Hyung?" A voice says, and Beomgyu's too gone to care who it is anymore, alcohol taking over his senses.

"Well, there's this boy okay and I really, really, like him - and I have since like forever. And for the longest time I thought he liked me too. He's so great though, like he's so cute and so talented and so sweet, and everytime I see him I smile. Plus, he's so hot like jesus christ. And he's so good at playing the drums, and he has these really strong ams-ams-arms! Yeah, those. And he can hold me up and push me down and I don't wanna admit it, but it makes me all warm inside - and it feels _really_ good. Anyway, yeah, very cute boy I have liked for very long time - but, I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me back and I'm just _so_ lonely, like I _just_ want a boyfriend, and," Beomgyu lets out a long guttural groan, "and it's just so, so, annoying!"

The silence hangs heavily and Beomgyu huff his breathe. His hands smoothen out something soft and silky. No one says anything.

"Hyung," a voice says, and Beomgyu's brain, alcohol-slowed and hazy, comes to soul crushing realisation that he has just admitted his feelings to the boy to the very boy he has feelings for. Beomgyu feels like he's falling, the pit in his stomach trying to consumer him whole, as if he's plummeting off the roof of a building. Beomgyu immediately sobers up, the haze of alcohol washing away to make way for pure dread. " _Wait, fuck, Kai_ -," Beomgyu starts, and then before he knows what's happening, a strong arm pulls him down, off his chair and into a warm body instead, and Kai's lips are on his.

Beomgyu has kissed Kai more times than he can count. This one is different.

Kai's lips are firm against Beomgyu's, pushing against him, hard and soft all at once, desperate. His tongue is pushing against Beomgyu's lips in an instance, begging for more, when Beomgyu parts his lips tentatively there's a bite of salt on his tongue, he realises belatedly that it's from tears - in his alcohol fuelled haze, he can't tell whether it's from Kai or himself. Kai's arms are around his waist, pulling Beomgyu flush against his chest, his grip is stronger than usual, pressed against the strip of bare skin on his waist, as if Kai thinks that if he loosens his grip Beomgyu will float away and disappear. The kiss is gentle, and yet it isn't. Kai pours everything into it, pushes against Beomgyu's lips and licks into him with everything he's got. It washes over Beomgyu like a tsunami, he feels like he's being knocked out, floating in an angry ocean waiting to pull him away from reality. 

Kai pulls away, and Beomgyu can see the tracks of tears against his face, his breath hitches and then he feels his own as well, a new droplet sliding down his skin, hot and scalding. Beomgyu lets out a sob, it comes out as something between a gasp and a whimper, and Kai immediately pulls his face against his neck, threading his fingers through Beomgyu's hair, rocking him back and forth in an attempt to comfort. Beomgyu holds onto him for dear life, hands tight around his shoulders, and face pressed flush against the cloth of Kai's black turtleneck, making a mess of the fabric. He sniffles, shudders and sobs, body jerking violently as he cries into Kai's shoulder.

"Hyung," Kai says, voice painfully soft up against Beomgyu's ear, his breath dapling over his skin, "look at me, please."

His voice is unsure, as if it's on the verge of breaking, full of desperation and yearning. Beomgyu, with more difficulty than he likes to admit, pulls his face away from Kai's neck and slowly meets his eyes, a fresh set of tears trailing down his face. Kai's lips are spread into a small, unyieldingly soft smile, eyes wet with tears, cheeks flushed. He runs a large, appreciative, thumb up and down Beomgyu's cheek, his breathe heavy and fanning over Beomgyu's face, mingling with the olders.

"Hyung," Kai says again, "do you like me."

Beomgyu lets out another choked out sob. It's all the answer Kai needs.

Kai's lips spread into a wider smile, and his grip around Beomgyu loosens just a little. The hand against Beomgyu's face returns to his face, thumbs rubbing circles against the bare skin. The gesture is small, but it brings Beomgyu so, so, much comfort - Its' Kai more than it is the gesture, Beomgyu knows. Kai leans forward, pushing his forehead against Beomgyu's. The ground is cold but Beomgyu feels warm in Kai's arms, settled against Kai's lap, forehead pressed up with Kai's, _Kai, Kai, Kai, Kai, Kai_.

"I like you too," Kai chokes out, voice seizing in his chest as a fresh set of tears fall from his eyes, "I like you _so_ much, Hyung-ah."

Beomgyu's eyes widen and a choke of a laugh falls out of his throat as he pushes his lips against Kai's once again, relief flooding his sense. They don't talk about it just yet, they don't need to. Kai just holds Beomgyu as close as he can, and Beomgyu reciprocates, grabbing his shoulders as tight as he can, and licking against his mouth with vigour, tears mingling on their lips. They hold onto each other so tight, Beomgyu's sure that after this their grips are going to be permanently etched onto each other, Beomgyu doesn't mind, perfectly happy with the thought of Kai's arms engraved around him, holding him impossibly close

Beomgyu is a serial under-sharer, meaning he keeps almost everything to himself almost all the time, until things reach a boiling point and spill and overflow with such intensity that Beomgyu can no longer will them inside. This is what happens with Kai and Beomgyu right now, feelings hot and flowing and big, rushing and mingling and overflowing against each other, reaching a boiling point. They build themselves up high, rising to the very top of Beomgyu's body, on the verge of spilling out.

This time, Beomgyu doesn't try to push them back down again.

**Author's Note:**

> i didn't proofread this at all so there are probably more than a few spelling and grammar mistakes here BUT THIS THING HAS 23K WORDS AND I WROTE IT IN 2 WEEKS AND JUST WANTED TO GET IT OUT OKAY HSAKGAJFKAD SORRY FORGIVE ME


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